The course of true love can be wonky

Well it's been nearly a month now since the first part of 'From Russia With Love and Guns' was posted here, and yet I've had virtually zero interest from Hollywood, even though there's loads of awesome action and some romance as well. It's also miles better than most of the rubbish that Hollywood makes these days.

I'll probably post some more of the script, but to be honest I've lost interest in doing it at the moment, mainly because of all the 'relationship issues' I've been having lately. Don't get me wrong, I know that love can be a rocky voyage, and with Natalia and myself it's no different, but the woman seems obsessed with money. Yes, she works down a mine and is also a pole dancer and keeps almost having to almost marry rich old men, but now she just goes on and on about that twenty grand, and practically ignored my script (which is part autobiographical). Anyway, I think she suggested a trial separation. Well here's the MSN feed:

NeonStudXXL - Hello sexy baby how are you?

Natalia1181 - What you want?

NeonStudXXL - To share my love with you my lovely lady.

Natalia1181 - Oh god. It is you.

NeonStudXXL - Yes, and I'm feeling very sexy.

Natalia1181 - Whatever. You have money?

NeonStudXXL - Look, I've been through this. I can't get the money until somebody buys my script. Besides my script is dedicated to you, for being such a sexy lady.

Natalia1181 - AARRGH! You are doing in my head! You waste my time! I need money! You don't even have bank account!

NeonStudXXL - As I explained I'm technically under police protection. Hence my lack of funds.

Natalia1181 - I think you are wasting my time. You are taking piss.

NeonStudXXL - Erm? Would I go to the hassle of writing almost 4 FULL pages of script if I wasn't serious? I very much think NOT.

Natalia1181 - You are wrong in head. Leave me alone until you send me money.

NeonStudXXL - Pfft! You think I can stop loving you like that? Oh no, love isn't something you can switch on and off like a light. Love is like a fire it burns in your heart and doesn't ever go out.

NeonStudXXL - No, love isn't like a fire. It's more like a light, but with a dimmer switch that can't be switched off. But the brightness changes.

Natalia1181 - Please stop! I am not caring! You have wasted my time.

NeonStudXXL - And there are no power cuts.

NeonStudXXL - I can't stop loving you Natalia.

Natalia1181 - I am not Natalia I am Pavel. I am a man!

NeonStudXXL - ? :¬/

NeonStudXXL - Ahhh. No, this isn't Cassablanca my darling. I know that you love me and don't want to hurt me. But you're not Burt Lancaster and I'm not that woman who was in it. Our love will prevail.

Natalia1181 - Please. Please stop messaging me. I am man. I was try to extort money.

NeonStudXXL - No my darling. You shall get your money.

------Natalia1181 has disconnected----------

In light of these recent developments I've taken Grigore from the Chick 'n Fish up on his offer of help. Apparently he knows some guys who can lend me money even if I've got bad credit history. Then I'll be able to get that cash over to Natalia and we can be together at last.

From Russia with Love and Guns - Part 3

From Russia With Love and Guns

By Neonsamurai

New Scene: The Samurai is in a bed and breakfast in the Kremlin, and unpacking his suitcase. He hears a knock at the door, and pulls out a machine gun and moves forward.

The Samurai: "Who is it?"

Person behind door: "Room service. And death!"

The Samurai dives for cover, just as the door EXPLODES and five Russian Ninjas run in. The Samurai climbs to his feet and gets into a kung-fu stance.

The Samurai: "Five? That's my lucky number."

A fight ensues which at first looks like the ninjas will win, but using his unorthodox ways, The Samurai learns each of their weaknesses (one has a bad knee, one is colourblind, one has vertigo, another had a poor upbringing and the last one is scared of giant squid) and exploits them. As the last ninja falls, a group of men appear at the smoldering doorway holding machine guns. At their head is General Yeltsin.

General Yeltsin: "Well, well, well. If it isn't Britain's best secret agent: The Samurai?"

The Samurai: "And if it isn't Russia's most stupid idiot: General Yeltsin?"

General Yeltsin: "How dare you!? Guards take him away! I'll teach him not to mess with the Soviet Union or call me names!"

The Samurai: "It's what I do."

New scene: Back in England Boss Man is at work in his office doing lots of paperwork, when a flustered clerk barges in. He's out of breath and nervous.

Boss Man: "Dammit! Don't you know how to knock?"

Clerk: "Sorry sir, it's just that..."

Boss Man: "Well son? Spit it out."

Clerk: "According to satellite surveillance, The Samurai has already broken 50% of the rules you gave him prior to this mission!"

The camera zooms in on the Boss Man's angry face as he bares his teeth and clenches his fists.

Boss Man: "SAMURAIIIII!!!!!"

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These are two very important scenes within the film because a) We see The Samurai breaking rules b) He gets captured by the baddies c) Boss Man gets very angry due to the rule-breaking.

Networking.

I think that there must be something wrong with the internet, because I have had neither PayPal contributions nor any offers for my film script (WHAT YOU WERE OFFERING TO DO WITH IT WAS OBSCENE JAVIER).

However I am being pragmatic about this and am moving forward, plus doing some 'networking' as they call it in the biz. The 'biz' is what people who work in the movie industry call it, and networking is when you meet people and talk about your script and which actor is attached. At the moment I'm keeping it fairly low-key as I think FRWLAG is kind of an art house film.

I've handed out some of my scripts to some local people who are quite influential; Dave, Dr Chen, Dr Hinds, Grigore from Chick 'n Fish, Charlie and Abigail (OH WHAT'S THAT JAVIER? NO SCRIPT FOR YOU? WELL I GUESS YOU'RE NOT INFLUENTIAL THEN ARE YOU?). Well I say I Abigail, I tried to give a copy to Abigail, but can you guess what happened? Yes, she went mental again. If a woman can't interact with a normal member of society, without going nutzoid then maybe (just maybe) she needs to be locked up. I don't mean that to be harsh but clearly that's going to be best for everyone.

Imagine somebody wanted to give you something that is free but might be worth millions (e.g. Christs birth certificate or my script). Would you hide from them and sit with the orderlies, refusing to even look at them, or say "wow thanks Neonsamurai, great script" and maybe tell your friends? Logically you'd do the later, but not Abigail. In fact, she became so illusive I had to employ tactics used by some famous script writers. I don't mean anything as naff as posting it to them, but things like putting it in a pizza box and having it delivered to the directors office, or paying a woman with big breasts to wear a T shirt printed with page 1 of your script arrive on set and make advances at the producer.

Now obviously I don't have loads of money, so I just jumped out of the supplies cupboard and threw it at her shouting "Read it! READ IT!!". One free script (and a free folder she could keep, which I'd found lying around) for her to read. You'd think she'd be grateful. Oh no. Oh no Abigail is not grateful AT ALL.

In fact so ungrateful is Abigail that the orderlies not only subdue me but they have to sedate her as well. Which turns out to be an absolute farce. Normally I have the highest respect for the clinic and the persons employed there, even Dr Hinds, who now just stares at me in silence for forty minutes during our sessions, occasionally having that nervous tick she's developed, before telling me to come back until next week, under any circumstances. But it turns out that they've mislaid the folder containing Abigail's notes and end up giving her the wrong sort of tranquilizer.

Tranquilizer's tranquilizer right? WRONG. Abigail goes 'Hulk' on the orderlies and runs out of the clinic, dragging one of them behind her, who's valiantly trying to restrain the woman's drug fueled rampage. So I try and help by shouting "Take her down! Lethal force! LETHAL FORCE!" when two orderlies charge out of the staff room, probably trying to ambush her. Bad move. She clotheslines' one of them and backhands the other shouting "I am a Ghostbuster! I AIN'T 'FRAID OF NO GHOST!"

To her credit Abigail made it as far as Budgens before she passed out.

However, all of this did give me the opportunity to visit Dr Chen and give him my script. He wasn't particularly interested though, but it is my first draft. Maybe when I've got a few big names attached to it he'll come around to the idea. I'll also add some Chinamen as well. He's bound to like that.

From Russia with Love and Guns - Part 2

Well I can understand that personal friend Tom Cruise is probably too busy to return my tweet about the script for 'From Russia With Love and Guns', since he's promoting his movie Knight and Day and Kidman's about as reliable as a French farmer but I thought Jackman might bother to reply. He's perfect for the role. Although no surprise that Hawking didn't respond! HA! Hawking! Where's your film script?

Still I've done some more work on the script and decided to share it here, since a lot of my story is about character development and you need more than a few paragraphs to do that.

-------------------------------

From Russia with Love and Guns

By NeonSamurai

New Scene: The Samurai is on an Easy Jet flight to Russia and relaxing after eating his meal. He is gazing out of the window looking very deep and also a bit vulnerable, because women like that sort of thing. He is also eating a little packet of crisps. A man sits down next to him. He is another secret agent, codename: The Warrior.

The Warrior: "What's a guy gotta do to get a drink around here?"

The Samurai: "They're not included in the cost of the flight. Wait... Who are you?"

The Warrior: "I'm your new partner, codename: The Warrior."

The Samurai: "No. After what happened to my last partner, I work alone."

Flashback to a scene five years previously: The Samurai and his partner, The Destroyer have been captured by the Russian army and have been tied up. An evil looking Russian called General Yeltsin stands before them.

General Yeltsin: "Well, well, well. We have caught Britain's best secret agent and another one who is almost as good, although not a maverick and has a family."

The Samurai: "Do what you like to me Yeltsin, but my partner is innocent. It's my unorthodox methods that got us caught, so I should be held accountable."

The Destroyer: "Don't worry Sam, this guy doesn't frighten me. I knew the risks when I became a secret agent, even though I have a young family."

General Yeltsin: "Ha! Ha! Ha! You handsome fools! You can't be secret agents if I put an advert in the paper with your pictures telling everyone that you're secret agents! I've also put an advert in the newsagent's window as well."

The Samurai: "Curse you Yeltsin! I'll never trust another Russian, or by proxy an Australian!"

The Destroyer: "Nooooo! I really need this job! I've got a young family!"

Scene fades back to The Warrior and The Samurai on the plane, as he finishes his story.

The Samurai: "...and Destroyer had to give up working as a secret agent as he was too well known, and got a job as a plumber. Luckily for me, Yeltsin used the wrong photograph and spelled my name with an 'e' so I could carry on. I certainly hope I don't meet him during this mission, and have to duff him up or something."

The Warrior: "Well as your new partner I can assure you that won't be happening. I do everything by the book."

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Yes, it's a very emotional part of the script, but just because FRWLAG is an action/romance movie, it doesn't mean that it can't also have some very moving scenes. Also I am exploring an original concept of mine concerning somebody who plays by the rules, and somebody who makes his own rules teaming up. Will their varying styles clash? Will they begrudgingly learn to respect each other? Well I'll tell you now that Warrior dies when he slips and falls down the plane steps, so it's just something for the audience to theorize over after the film.

Don't forget, if you are a movie director, or know Spielberg or something, then please let them know about my blog and get them to read the script. I only want about twenty grand for it.

Movie Script: From Russia with Love & Guns

"Neonsamurai reviews films because he's so untalented that he can't write his own."

Is that what you think? Well for your information I have written loads of scripts and one was actually turned into a film starring Sean Connery. How many scripts have you had turned into a film? I'm going to make a quick guess now: ZERO.

I also wrote a script called 'Jihad Act' which was a Whoopee Goldberg vehicle, but all copies of that were seized by the FBI.

Well guess what? I wrote a new film script last night, just like that, because that's the kind of guy I am. I felt inspiration and just went for it and it's a really good story too. It's about a secret agent who falls in love with a Russian model and has to fight everyone in order to marry her. Sure, I can say that I've written a script, but guess what, I ACTUALLY HAVE:

FROM RUSSIAN WITH LOVE AND GUNS
By Neonsamurai

Opening scene: A secret agent, codenamed 'The Samurai' is having something to eat at KFC, when some kids start hassling him.

Kids: "Hey you loser! You're such a loser, you square."

The Samurai: "That's right, I am a square. A square in a round hole!"

Before the kids have a chance to act The Samurai pulls out a machine gun and shoots them all. People dive for cover as the bullets stitch through them ruining the KFC's decor.

Kids: "AAAIIIEEEE!"

Colonel Sanders: "Well done Samurai. Those kids have been bothering the staff and customers for the last few minutes. Your unorthodox methods have saved the day."

The Samurai: "It's what I do."

----------------------

New Scene: The Samurai is back at his office and is getting told off by his boss for being unorthodox. It's in a secret base a mile underground.

Boss Man: "Dammit Samurai! You're the best, but you're also too unorthodox and a maverick who plays by his own rules. Being so reckless is bad!"

The Samurai: "Oh yeah? Tell that to Colonel Sanders!"

Boss Man: "Dammit Samurai! I've got a very important mission for you in Russia. You need to go there and not fight anybody until you can rescue a double agent called Natalia. But under no circumstances are you to fall in love with her."

The Samurai: "I'm sure I won't. You know how much I hate the Russians after what they did to my partner. I also strongly dislike Australians, and nothing in the world can change my opinions."

Boss Man: "I don't want this clouding your judgment. You're too close. As of now you're off the case."

The Samurai: "Then I quit. I'm going to bring those bastards down if it's the last thing I do, even if I have to do it on my own!"

Boss Man: "Alright Samurai. I'm giving you 48 hours to get to Russia, not fight any baddies and not fall in love with Natalia. Don't let me down or my boss (the Queen) will have me executed. Can you guarantee a successful mission?"

The Samurai: "It's what I do."

-----Opening Titles-----

Obviously this is just the part of the film before the opening credits, but I've written several pages more, and let me tell you they're very good. Plus the film has loads of product placement and has the catchphrase "It's what I do."

Now what I'm intending to do is tweet this script to some of my twitter associates (including international mega-star and friend TOM CRUISE) and bring in a bit of interest for the screenplay and then start a bidding war. Ideally I'm looking for about twenty grand, but if I can get anymore it's a bonus.

Note: Just because I'm now a scriptwriter doesn't mean you can't also donate money for reading my blog.

Oh look! I'm not reviewing a film!

Oh I suppose I have to review films EVERY SINGLE SECOND OF THE DAY do I? I guess I'd better stop eating and sleeping then because that's impossible.

Quick question: What's Jonathon Ross up to right now (08:51 Tuesday morning) eh? Do you think he's reviewing a film? Do you? Cinema's don't open until at least 10am so clearly he's not you retard. He's probably in his limo, on his way to work. UNLESS he's got a cinema in his car. But just think about that; a cinema in a car? Where would the projectionist sit? In the boot? He'd suffocate and probably and die if it was a hot day. Do you honestly think Jonathon Ross would lock somebody in the boot of his car and potentially kill him, just so he could have a cinema in his limo? Maybe if it was Michael Barrymore, but since when is he a film reviewer?

And what about when Jonathon Ross was presenting his TV show? Was he reviewing films then? I mean 'Friday Night with Jonathon Ross' and not 'Film 2010', obviously. Not as far as I could see.

If my film reviews are so 'poor' then why do I have a blog with FOUR GENUINE FOLLOWERS and as far as I can tell by searching the web you have NONE? Oh and let's have a quick look here shall we? Looks like a successful comic, speller and Miss New York Traditional Foods Jennifer Dziura knows a film review when she sees one. So good in fact that she decided to put it on her blog. Not that you could copy her, what with NOT HAVING A BLOG OF YOUR OWN? They don't just let anyone write blogs you know.

Do you know what? I was going to review a film today, but I'm not, because nobody tells me what to do.

You've messed with the wrong film reviewer (that's right, I'm a film reviewer) this time.

Oh god. She's writing again.

So far I have received ZERO contributions to my PayPal account. Oh you think that's bad do you? Well look at this:


Oh a movie review and competition. Big deal? Well guess who they got to 'review' this film:

EMILY STEPHENSON

Doesn't anybody read my blog, because I'm pretty sure that I made it perfectly clear here that she's rubbish at reviewing films? Oh but what do I know, seeing as I've more or less dedicated that last 12 years of my life to being a professional film critic. At last count I'd reviewed over 80 films, which now I think about it doesn't sound like that many, but I don't just make up stuff off the top of my head. Well, not for every film anyway.

And how much did she get paid for writing that film review? Three or four thousand pounds probably. What's a child going to spend four grand on? A lifetime supply of Smarties? That's the reason kids aren't paid a fortune in pocket money, because if they did they'd probably destroy the economy but spending the money on nonsense. I'd use the money to buy my fiancé a plane ticket. How's that for sensible?

Since I apparently can't be trusted to write film reviews for the Littlehampton Echo, I'm going to have to rely on YOU my loyal and generous readership (but not the women, who can't be bothered to have free food and sex with me) to send money to my PayPal account so that I can give Natalia twenty thousand pounds.

Please be generous.

Neonsamurai.kicks-ass.net: Now privately funded

This is what I need.

Turns out that the 'Comedy Night' was a complete waste of time, mainly because the room was filled with psychopaths. To be perfectly honest, I'm lucky I'm not dead. So I've decided to ditch the stand up comedy routine and explore another avenue to make money: PayPal.

But before I explain my new plan, let me take a moment to tell you a few things:

Love. Love is a beautiful feeling that you can only get when a beautiful woman says she'll have sex with you, once you've paid for her to fly over to the UK. It's the sort of emotion that not everyone can understand because most people marry god-awful ugly people, or just end up with loads of cats. Dullards. How is a cat as good as a sexy partner? Can you have sex with it? Erm... No, unless you're wrong in the head or something. If I had the choice between marrying a beautiful Russian woman or marrying a cat I'd choose the former. And can't you catch rabies off of a cat?

Another emotion that is also very beautiful is reading film reviews. Film reviews save you the time of actually watching the film, so if it's rubbish you can avoid it. It's a very important thing which saves people time and money. But only if it's done by a professional, and not some hackneyed, duck-owning toddler who seems to think that using the films' title to describe the film is clever. What if you'd just watched a really good film that only had a negative word in the title? What then Emily? Come on Emily, let's see you review 'Dirty Rotten Scoundrels'. Face it, you've as much chance of becoming a film reviewer as a blind person. And don't get me started on Hawking. Has he EVER reviewed a film? Has he? I've never seen one. But I'll bet if HE sent EMPIRE MAGAZINE his CV he'd get a sodding job in a flash, rather than being accused of racism.

So my blog brings you both love and also film reviews (and there was a competition for free sex), which are things that you can't put a price on. However if I was to pull a number out of the air I'd say it's about five grand. Which is how much money I think you should pay me for reading my blog.

Now that's not a monthly fee, it's a one off. So you pay me five thousand pounds and that entitles you to read my blog forever. I've not actually worked out a structure to it yet, so I'll have to rely on you (my loyal readership) to just cough up the cash. Simply click on the 'PayPal' logo in the right hand column here and pledge your five thousand pounds (obviously more if you can afford it).

Hopefully I'll have the money for Natalia's plane ticket for by next week.

Taking the (open) Mic

Natalia and I had our first row today, (not including the ones we've had about UK special forces). Basically her dad is trying to make her marry some hideous old man and she would really rather marry me, although for the first part of our conversation she kept calling me 'Martin', but English isn't her first language, so mistakes are inevitable. She got really tetchy and claimed that if I loved her I'd send her that twenty grand NOW. So I outlined my plan to become a comedian, and she asked me if I was joking (see, I'm a natural).

Speaking of which look what I saw:

What a stroke of luck! It's a comedy night with an open mike (which technically should be 'mic', so I'll work that into my routine) so that other people can have a go at some stand up. And it's at a pub I'm not barred from! But it's this Saturday, so I'm going to have to come up with a hilarious routine pretty damn quick! I know this means that I technically won't be making any money at first, but for now I'm just getting my comedy 'out there' and let me tell you I've got some pretty crazy ideas for my routine. Check out my joke schedule for the session:

1. Use Catchphrase "Ahoy my lovelies!"
2. Question: "Anyone here from Littlehampton?"
   
3. Joke: "How come they call it Littlehampton when it's quite big?!"
4. Wait for applause to stop
5. Improvisational Comedy
   

I thought I'd finish with 20 minutes or so of improvisational comedy, using whatever comes to mind at the time. I've watched 'Who's Line is it Anyway?', 'Have I got News for You?' and 'Mock the Week' so I'm a big fan of comedians making up jokes as they go along. If I get stuck I'll just get the audience to call out suggestions.

I've even totally maxed-out the hilarity by giving myself a comedy stage-name; Ivor Biggun! How crazy is that? It makes it sound as if I've got a massive willie! Clearly I've given it more thought than John Robson, who's probably using his real name. The dick.

Neonsamurai: The New Direction

Guess what? Hermione is on 'extended leave' at the moment, pending a possible criminal conviction. Who'd have thought she was the criminal type? Yes, she's grade A nut job, but a criminal? That's not really her style. I might pop around her house and see if there's anything I can do to help.

So instead of my usual battle of minds with Hermione, I get to speak to Charlie. I like Charlie. He's retired once before, and apparently got bored and got a job at the job centre. Although he says it's because he hates his wife. To be honest, Charlie hates a lot of things, particularly children because 'they ruin your life and always side with that bitch'. He also hates 'bloody spongers' but not as much as he hates talking to them, so normally when he speaks to me he just says the bits that I'm supposed to say for me just to speed things up.

Charlie (normal voice): "Have you been applying for work?"

Charlie (high voice): "Yes I have. I've applied for loads of jobs, although I'm too lazy to actually provide proof. Please can I have some free money?"

Hahaha! Charlie cracks me up. It's like he's doing a stand up routine. I told him he should be a comedian, and he said I should get a bloody job, which is cool, because that's what I intend to do. However, having said this the only jobs that are available are shelf stacking, farm work and verge cleaning. When I asked him about any high paying jobs Charlie said "No. Nothing. Except this very highly paid job to be a millionaire playboy living in Monaco and having the life of bloody Riley." But it turned out that job didn't actually exist, and Charlie was being funny again (I'll bet it's never dull at the Job Centre when you work with him, much like Whoopee Goldberg).

But, like what often happens in a cop film when something unrelated happens, causing the cop to click his fingers and say something like "wait a minute... Pineapples are acidic..." I said "wait a minute... Stand up comedians earn a fortune...." To which Charlie said "Next!"

So I'm intending to become a stand up comedian like Frankie Boyle, or Russell Brand who earn an absolute fortune. As I often say, if you can review a film then you can do anything.