I've got to post some more film reviews in case the BBC stop by to make sure that I am actually a film reviewer and not some dullard with too much time on his hands. One of the orderlies at the clinic said that there are loads of other film reviewers who might get the job instead of me, so it's time to up my game.
Neonsamurai's 'A Beautiful Mind' Review:
CBT. CBT! Why is everyone so obsessed with CBT? CBT stands for Cognitive Behavioural Therapy and can reduce chances of unprovoked bursts of anger. Sounds like a waste of time to me.
This is a film about a man who everyone thought was mental, but he wasn't, he was just really clever. Did they recommend he had a course of CBT? Erm... no. At first I thought this film was going to be rubbish, because it was on TV and I felt sure that he'd visit a clinic and they'd start going on about CBT, but actually I thought it was quite good. The hero of the story is John Nash, a mathematical genius who could see equations in virtually any daily occurrence. Personally I hate maths, so I would have been bored stupid if it was me, although in a similar way I can see women pretty much wherever I go. The big difference between him and me though is that he got the Nobel Peace Prize for maths. How can you win can a peace prize for maths? What did he do, make 4 + 5 equal'no more nuclear missiles'?
Normally that'd piss me off no end, but I kinda liked this John Nash guy, so I let it go. My favourite bit was when he came up with an equation to dance with a girl at a bar, and so all his friends could too. Now that's genius. Forget 'Dr' Stephen Hawking and his theory of history or whatever he's supposed to have come up with, this was real proper science. Actually, now I come to think about it why couldn't Nash just share all those equations with the rest of us? Probably because he wants all the girls for himself, like Jennifer Connelly from 'The Labyrinth'. Thanks for that John. The rest of us are all REALLY happy that you decided to keep that to yourself.
Actually why DID he get a 'peace prize' when there'd a be a lot less wars if all men could get a girlfriend with the help of a pocket calculator? “Hello I'm John Nash, and I've just come up with a formula that'll make all men get regular sex.” Have you John? HAVE YOU? Then why don't you share it with the rest of us you smug bastard?
Here's the worst part, this is actually a true story. That's right, there really is a guy out there called John Nash who won a 'peace prize' (which comes with a shed load of cash as well) who knows the secret to attracting hot babes using maths and he keeps in to himself, whilst he lives with Jennifer freakin' Connelly, probably in some massive house. Does that make you angry? It makes me bloody angry.
To make matters worse, do you know what this film's tag line is? “The Only Thing Greater Than the Power of the Mind is the Courage of the Heart” What the hell is that supposed to mean? Are we still talking about Nash? Is that one of his sodding theories? If you had a heart transplant does the courage go with it?
Doctor: “The operation was a success. You now have a fully working heart.”
Patient: “Oh thank you doctor. Who was the donor?”
Doctor: “Some French bloke.”
At least that Z grade film reviewer Hawking shares all of his secrets in a history book, and for that I respect his honesty. Not like Nash and his 'courageous heart'. At first I thought the film was pretty good, but the more I think about it the more I really can't stand John Nash, who in my opinion was mental. That's right Nash you sub-normal deviant, you need help. A good dose of CBT would sort you out.
But not me Nash. Not me. I might not be a clever as you, but I'm certainly a lot more stable.