Dave's Movie Buzz - February 28

This is a new regular feature a bit like the one they do on IMDB, only better because my friend Dave has contacts with the mafia and they tell him all sorts of things that happen in Hollywood, which other less professional movie blogs are too scared to publish. But not here at neonsamurai.kicks-ass.net.

Dave was in a special forces unit called Team Extreme which is a bit like the SAS, only the soldiers in it are much harder. His call-sign was 'Cassanova' because he was the guy who got all the ladies, but he was highly respected by his team, even though he broke the rules and didn't listen to authority.

Dave’s Movie Buzz - Feb 28 2010

All money Hollywood makes is larndered by the Mafia. I’ve got conections with organized crime so I know what’s going down in the movie business.

Angelina Jolie adopts orangutang. Jolie adopts loads of kids from all over the world so shes now adopted an orangutang as a baby. Shes called it Monkey Jolie and it has its own room, car and butler. She reckons he’s gonna be a spokesman for the rainforest.

Harrison Ford is revealed as a woman. After loads of years pretending to be a man a bloke I know said that Harrison Ford is actually a woman. Aparantly, Ford went for the ordition for princess Leer in Star Wars but Steven Speelburg said he looked like a man, so he just decided to pretend becaurse she needed the money. He’s married to that bloke who played Chewbecka.

Jet Lee got beaten up by a man at my pub. Jet Li was getting all gobby round the back of Hale Leys with a group of girls, probably because he rekons he’s like ninja master. So this bloke clocked him one. Smacked him right up! Li didn’t know what hit him and legged it down towards McDonalds. So the girls were all over this bloke. So who was he? I can’t tell you ‘cos the cops will try to nick him.

Winona Ryder goes mental. Winona Ryder went mental in some posh shop in America and started screaming and flippin out like she was on fire or somthing. Ryder then starts throwing ass these really expensive shoes at the staff and put one woman in a coma. This blokes sister in law saw it and she was so freaked out by it she needed a sit down. You won’t see it in the news ‘cos Hollywood hushed it all up.

Choon in for more movie buz next week and if I can be arsed I write some more stuff.

WTF (x 2)?!?!?!

What in the name of Hitlers ring-piece does the Echo think it's doing? Firstly they promote a competition with scant information on the rules, engineering it so the few members of the 'elite' under 12 film review society (which must number about five) can enter. They then declare Emily Stephenson the winner of this tuppeny-ha'penny charade that claims to be a competition!

She's not even a proper film reviewer, she's a sodding wannabe vet! AVET! What's next? Are we going to see plumbers writing opinion columns or maybe hairdressers running the classifieds? I've read her review and it was rubbish. It wasn't edgy or engaging, and you certainly didn't come away afterwards having your very way of life challenged (THAT'S RIGHT GOTHS, DRACULA WAS A RETARD. YOU DON'T SCARE ME), in the same way that my reviews do. Hers was, at best, pedestrian and she won a trip to Disneyland. I WANTED TO GO TO DISNEYLAND.

Let's cut to the chase here; she won because she's cute, and she's got a duck. I can take the truth and maybe if the Echo had said "hey Neon. Brilliant review. Yes that fox was a selfish spaz, and his wife did look like a men's club's bog brush. But you know what? We wanted the winner to be cute and holding poultry", I'd have been cool with that.

They didn't though, did they? The bastards.

But it's not the Echo I feel sorry for, it's Emily 'the Vet' Stephenson. Imagine if she read this article and thought "hmm... Maybe I could do what Jonathan Ross does and present 'Film 2010'" and so she writes in the to the BBC, only for them to completely ignore her letter. BOOM! There goes her childhood right there. BANG. Destroyed in a second because someone at the Echo (probably Sonja Wade) decided she'd let a child think she could write a film review.

WRONG!

Face it Littlehampton Echo, your publication is on the rocks and if your readership was in jeopardy of leaving imagine how they're going to react when they read this.

Beautiful Rubbish

I've got to post some more film reviews in case the BBC stop by to make sure that I am actually a film reviewer and not some dullard with too much time on his hands. One of the orderlies at the clinic said that there are loads of other film reviewers who might get the job instead of me, so it's time to up my game.

Neonsamurai's 'A Beautiful Mind' Review:

CBT. CBT! Why is everyone so obsessed with CBT? CBT stands for Cognitive Behavioural Therapy and can reduce chances of unprovoked bursts of anger. Sounds like a waste of time to me.

This is a film about a man who everyone thought was mental, but he wasn't, he was just really clever. Did they recommend he had a course of CBT? Erm... no. At first I thought this film was going to be rubbish, because it was on TV and I felt sure that he'd visit a clinic and they'd start going on about CBT, but actually I thought it was quite good. The hero of the story is John Nash, a mathematical genius who could see equations in virtually any daily occurrence. Personally I hate maths, so I would have been bored stupid if it was me, although in a similar way I can see women pretty much wherever I go. The big difference between him and me though is that he got the Nobel Peace Prize for maths. How can you win can a peace prize for maths? What did he do, make 4 + 5 equal'no more nuclear missiles'?

Normally that'd piss me off no end, but I kinda liked this John Nash guy, so I let it go. My favourite bit was when he came up with an equation to dance with a girl at a bar, and so all his friends could too. Now that's genius. Forget 'Dr' Stephen Hawking and his theory of history or whatever he's supposed to have come up with, this was real proper science. Actually, now I come to think about it why couldn't Nash just share all those equations with the rest of us? Probably because he wants all the girls for himself, like Jennifer Connelly from 'The Labyrinth'. Thanks for that John. The rest of us are all REALLY happy that you decided to keep that to yourself.

Actually why DID he get a 'peace prize' when there'd a be a lot less wars if all men could get a girlfriend with the help of a pocket calculator? “Hello I'm John Nash, and I've just come up with a formula that'll make all men get regular sex.” Have you John? HAVE YOU? Then why don't you share it with the rest of us you smug bastard?

Here's the worst part, this is actually a true story. That's right, there really is a guy out there called John Nash who won a 'peace prize' (which comes with a shed load of cash as well) who knows the secret to attracting hot babes using maths and he keeps in to himself, whilst he lives with Jennifer freakin' Connelly, probably in some massive house. Does that make you angry? It makes me bloody angry.

To make matters worse, do you know what this film's tag line is? “The Only Thing Greater Than the Power of the Mind is the Courage of the Heart” What the hell is that supposed to mean? Are we still talking about Nash? Is that one of his sodding theories? If you had a heart transplant does the courage go with it?

Doctor: “The operation was a success. You now have a fully working heart.”

Patient: “Oh thank you doctor. Who was the donor?”

Doctor: “Some French bloke.”

Patient: “Shit.”

At least that Z grade film reviewer Hawking shares all of his secrets in a history book, and for that I respect his honesty. Not like Nash and his 'courageous heart'. At first I thought the film was pretty good, but the more I think about it the more I really can't stand John Nash, who in my opinion was mental. That's right Nash you sub-normal deviant, you need help. A good dose of CBT would sort you out.

But not me Nash. Not me. I might not be a clever as you, but I'm certainly a lot more stable.

Job Application

Well I was up for hours typing this up, but it's done and is in the post. Hopefully I'll know if I've got the job by the end of the week.

Job Vacancy

Oh my god! Check this out: Jonathan Ross to Leave BBC.

The BBC's No 1 film reviewer isn't renewing his contract! He's leaving! I'm no
mathematician, but that means that they are one film reviewer short. Anyone
know any good film reviewers who are currently in need of work? Well I can
only think of one, and that's me!

From every possible angle I can think of, it makes 100% sense for the BBC to
employ me to fill the role: I'm unemployed, am a film reviewer, have watched
hundreds of films and am happy to watch more films. Sure, I've never actually
presented a show before, but I've given evidence in court, which is practically
same thing.

Dave's mum said I should definitely write to the BBC for a job, (but probably
not for this job though) and to get one of the people at the clinic to give me a
hand with the letter. Pffft! To be honest the people at the clinic mostly just tell
me my ideas are wrong or that 'maybe I should do something less violent', so
why should I get them to help me? I'll write it myself, that'll rub that exasperated
look of Hermione's stupid face. 

Guest Reviewer: Dave

Today I'm featuring a review by my friend Dave, because to be perfectly honest I'm still too angry at the whole Littlehampton Film Review competition debacle. Initially he didn't want to do it, because 'writing is for benders' but he agreed when I said I'd give him the details of some of the women who enter my 'Win a date with Neonsamurai' competition. The film he's reviewed is one we've seen 3 times already, that's how good it is, but I decided to ask Dave to review it because he's got links with the Mafia and owns a belt that used to belong to Al Capone. He's also good to have around when we watch films with killing in, because he's ex special forces and knows if a film is realistic or not. He once knocked out a bouncer at a club because he wouldn't let a girl in because her skirt was too short, and then she had sex with him to say thanks.

Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels. By guest reviewer Dave.

If somthing like this was going down on my manor I'd know about it, becaurse street smarts is what I'm about. That's why Neol asked me to write a review about it, becaurse I know how these geezers think. Ask anyone at the bus depot were I work and theyll tell you that I'm a man who nose that not nowing something will get you bumped off. 'Bumped off' means killed. I'm not a gayer.

Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels is a complicatted plot about what happens in the East End of London. Theres these 4 freids who are like brothers who pay their mate to take part in a poker game to win loads of money, but the game is fixed and he has to pay back money they havnt got. If someone trys to con like that go for the bigest guy there and taken him head on in a fite. That is what you now if youve been in the military. Crooks rezpect strength.

So to get the money before they get bumped off they plan to rob some money from some robbers who are planning to rob from some ponces who grow weed. Weed is another name for heroine which is what they call it on the street. The ponces are well stupid and probably all benders.

Also there is a gangster called 'Harry the Hatcher' who wants some guns stolen which are worth thousands of pownds, which is why it's called Lockstock and Two Smoking Barells, because those are parts of a gun. Other bits are the clip, sites, triger, sholder pad and the cocker.

I won't spoil the film by telling you the story, but it's funyy,violent and well acted. Its not orthentic though as the axents were all wrong and if any of that had happened rownd here I'd have sorted it out properly, gangland stile. I now people who can sort stuff owt and I'v been know to step in if the situation is right.

Also Neol's upset that only one of you birds has entered his competition. If you win you get free food and sex, so you must be all stuck up and married to ponces if you havent entered.

Rezpect.

W.T.F?!?

What the HELL does the Littlehampton Echo think it's doing? Read this:



Under 12? UNDER 12? A film review competition only open to people too young to even buy pornography? What kind of dullard thought that up? And why didn't they mention it on the front of the paper, rather than halfway through the competition details? It took me a whole weekend to write that film review, and I could have spent that time doing something much more constructive, like helping my neighbours move house.

Not that they'd actually accept my help. Not since my 'hiding in the boot of Lorraine's car' prank caused so much fuss. Can nobody take a joke these days? Oh but I bet if I was under 12, it would have been funny. Everyone would have had a good laugh about it. Ha ha ha! Yes a 12 year old with a hockey mask jumping out of the car boot is soooo funny. Lorraine wouldn't even give me a lift home and I only live next door! I had to walk sodding miles as it was the middle of nowhere. Lorraine and Matt were a lot more friendly when they first moved in.

That's what I could have been doing Littlehampton Echo, I could have been helping people, rather than writing film reviews for your stupid newspaper. Well I hope you're happy with yourselves. Rest assured I shall never read your newspaper again, and I also encourage my readers to follow suit.

Competition update:

I think there's been a bit of confusion over the 'Win a Date With Neonsamurai' competition, so I'll just clarify a few things:

1) To enter the competition you need to answer the questions in the comments section on the competition page here. I think some of you ladies must have mistakenly posted you answers and details somewhere else. I know that women are a bit scatty sometimes, but I won't hold that against you in this competition. Unless you're god-awful ugly.

2) Due to a recent incident with the manager of the Little Chef, the venue has been changed to the Littlehampton 'Chick 'n Fish' eatery on the High Street. You can have literally anything on the menu, within reason.

3) During the date I will decide if I want to have sex with you, then we'll go back to your place. Just because you have won a date with me it doesn't mean you've automatically won the chance to have sex with me.

4) No police women.

5) If anyone has been speaking to my parole officer back in Aylesbury then don't listen to anything he says. The man's delusional. If I was his boss I'd fire him and then employ someone who isn't a complete tool.

There's no official closing date for this competition, but if you enter early you'll probably have a better chance of winning. Although don't be put off if you've seen that there are loads of entries either as there can be more than one winner.

If it's hot post it on IMDB (not)

Oh dear IMDB. How the mighty have fallen? Why it seems like only yesterday people were visiting your site to get news and reviews on the latest movies. Well since my blog opened up LESS THAN A MONTH AGO those people are coming here. At least I presume they are. I can't check the number of hits I'm getting, but I bet it's well into the thousands.

Anyway, back before people stopped visiting IMDB I wrote some of the best movie reviews they'd ever seen, so good that some of them got removed because of slander or 'not actually reviewing the film'. Luckily I've decided to share some of those reviews that were too revolutionary here on my blog.

Neonsamurai's 'Predator' review:

You'd think people would actually want help at an Anti-Hunt protest wouldn't you? Well that's what I thought, doing my bit for the environment and helping stop foxes go extinct. I've seen 'Predator' and understood the whole anti-hunting message in the film and knew that I had to do what's right for defenceless animals. Also, Rufus had eaten through the roof in the garage and escaped into the fields near Aston Clinton so I had to try and lure him back. I had previously told my mum not to leave boxes of Daz washing power where he could get to them, but oh no. Don't listen to your son will you woman?

I know for a fact that when Rufus has the contents of a family sized box of washing powder inside him, he normally goes looking for real narcotics to eat, but this time he made straight for this group of hunt protesters, and guess who's there? That complete spaz Derek Palmers and his wife, that's who. Well, as soon as I turn up he starts getting all jittery and nervous, telling his wife to sit in the car and lock the doors. I'm trying to explain that Rufus isn't that dangerous unless you make any sudden moves, but will he listen? Seems that Mr 'Don't Feed Koala's Class A Drugs' knows more about marsupials than I do and tells the people giving out RSPCA leaflets not to let me have any, 'Because he'll probably choke on them'.

I ate 3 leaflets just fine WITHOUT CHOKING just to prove a point when we hear the huntsmen approaching and all the protesters start screaming 'Murderers! Murderers!' That must have woken Rufus up or something because we went berserk, big time. Unfortunately Mrs Palmers panicked and couldn't open the car doors quick enough and then the unpleasantness began. To be honest I blame them for leaving their car's sunroof open in the first place.

Now bearing in mind that I am NOWHERE NEAR THE CAR and certainly didn't tell Mrs Palmers to lock herself inside it, whom do you think Derek blames for this? Rufus? Of course not. Yet again I am held responsible for that little Aussie Crack head's actions, even though it is he not I that has clamped onto Mrs Palmer's face. Anyway, she should have stayed put and gone limp (which usually works) but instead she stumbles out of the car and staggers across the field. Now Derek's going crazy at this point but unlike him I've read about the Suffragettes and just assumed that Mrs Palmers was copying Emily Davidson.

Now as I've already made clear, after watching 'Predator' I'd definitely never take part in fox hunting, but if I did and a woman with a koala on her face ran out in front of my horse I wouldn't avoid her by swerving into a crowd of 27 protesters. But clearly what I'd do and what huntsmen do are two entirely different things, particularly when another horse managed to almost jump Derek's car. The important word here is 'almost'.

The fact that at this point the fox hunt officially stopped is a good thing in my opinion, which you'd think the hunt protesters would thank me for. Well guess again because those lazy soap dodgers were showing their true colours, which was to curse and scream at me. Some thanks eh? Although I suppose that I should be thankful that they weren't all screaming at me, some of them were being far too self obsessed for that: 'I'VE broken MY leg.' 'Call ME an ambulance.' 'I'LL need drastic invasive surgery.' 'I'M losing consciousness.' It's all 'me me me' with those people.

Besides Mrs Palmers wasn't that badly injured and at least Rufus had let go of her face (and as per usual run off to let me take the blame). Of course the police didn't want to hear any of this since they have a new policy of arresting people, gagging them and then locking them in the boot of their squad cars. It seems that this policy only applies to me though as they let Derek waffle on and on with his version of the story and how he didn't think horse collisions were covered under his car insurance.

Typically, Thames Valley Police couldn't press charges because they had no evidence linking me to anything that happened, although Derek had tried to blame me for practically everything that had occurred. Luckily the police couldn't accept these allegations since one of the horses had kicked him in the face and given him a concussion.

And me? Well I just sat there in a trance repeating, 'The jungle came alive and took them' until my mum came to take me home.

Predator. You gotta love that movie.

Win a Date with Neonsamurai

Guess how many Valentines cards I got? Go on guess.

ZERO

You read that right I got no Valentines this year. To be honest that's the norm, but I know what you're thinking “Neonsamurai, you've got you own blog and write some really intelligent film reviews, women must be constantly chasing after you.” Well that's what I would have thought too, but it's literally the opposite situation, which was why I got a police caution last week.

I'm actually getting pretty sick of all the effort I put into meeting women; watching them, approaching them, following them, photographing them, following them a bit faster as they begin to run, etc. I probably put in a good 20-30 hours a week in my pursuit of women, more than I've seen any man in a movie do. Normally they literally bump into women on the street and five minutes later they're in a cooky relationship that ends with him rushing in to stop her marrying her rich but mean boyfriend. I've tried bumping into women. In Aylesbury I spent a whole hour bumping into women in Hale Leys until security guards escorted me out and I even ran into a random wedding shouting “I LOVE YOU”. But then I saw the bride looked a bit like a frog, so I legged it.

Well I've had enough of this so I've decided to turn the tables, a bit like Mel Gibson did in 'Ransom'. No I'm not offering money if you bring me women (although I've not entirely ruled that out), but I'm starting up a competition for women to enter in order to sleep with me! I got the idea from that film review competition I'm going to win. Here's the details:

WIN A DATE WITH NEONSAMURAI

Are you a hot, sexy lady (aged 18 – 35) who maybe used to be a model, a dancer or a famous actress*? If so you could win a date with Littlehampton's premier film reviewer Neonsamurai, and then maybe have sex with him. To win this coveted prize simply answer the following questions:


1) You are at a local Harvester restaurant when your dates' trousers fall off. Do you:

a) Ignore it. This probably happens to lots of men.
b) Politely point out his trousers have fallen off, which doesn't spoil the meal at all.
c) Storm out.
d) Shriek hysterically because clearly it's the worst thing in the world and you're mental.
e) Call the police who use a taser on the man as he tries to climb out of the toilet window, causing him to get stuck and then they have to call the fire brigade.

2) After the date you notice that the man you were with has somehow broken into your flat and is in your bedroom. Do you:

a) Become intrigued by this mysterious intruder.
b) Say that you had a lovely dinner and maybe he should give you a call tomorrow to arrange another date.
c) Demand to know what he is doing wearing your underwear and insist he leaves.
d) Go mental, because you've obviously NEVER had a strange man in your bedroom before.
e) Knee the man in the groin then call the police. Then call an ambulance when he tries to escape and falls into the greenhouse of the man downstairs who used to be in the Royal Marine Commandos and has a very short temper.

3) A few days later you are at a bus stop when you hear someone close behind you whisper “Hello my darling” in your ear. Do you:

a) Immediately turn around and hug the handsome, mysterious man you went on a date with.
b) Maybe take a few steps away and make an excuse about why you haven't called.
c) Continue running because he's caught up with you.
d) Start shouting for help, because a man is near you. Is that against the law? No it's not you retard. You're the one who needs help.
e) Use that (illegal) mace spray that your dad gave you on the man and as he's covering his eyes knee him in his already sore crotch and tell him if you ever see him again you'll tell former Sergeant Sykes where he lives.

In the case of a tie breaker please complete (in no more than fifty words) the following sentence: “I would really enjoy a date with Neonsamurai because...” Bonus points will be awarded for using the words sex, underwear and 'will not call the police'.

Please post your answers in the comments box below and if I'm interested I'll ask you to send me a picture, because I'm not dating munters.



Terms and conditions: Entrants must be not be old and gross or mental in anyway. They must not complain about the choice of food at the Little Chef or order anything too expensive as I'm on the dole at the moment. I also reserve the right to take out a few girls on dates if they're really attractive.

*Not Nicole Kidman.

Strange Feelings

Neonsamurai's 'Brokeback Mountain' Review:

I thought this was supposed to be a Western, like 'Seraphim Falls'. It's not.

Hermione reckons that the competition in the Littlehampton Echo was actually for children, not adults. Yeah, like kids can write decent film reviews? Oh and apparently entering a competition isn't the same as 'looking for a job'. What if I'd entered a competition and won a million pounds? Would I need to find a job? Erm... No. I wouldn't because I'd be rich.

Oh but what would I know, I'm not a Job Centre Co-Ordinator like Hermione, who seems to have an answer for everything and got very angry when I gave her a copy of my review as 'proof of job application'. The woman's mental.

It's like the time when I got confused and went in the ladies toilets at the Job Centre by mistake. I went into one of the booths and locked the door as you would normally and waited until a woman went into the one next to me, as I was leaning over the top to explain the situation she looked up and started screaming! Again: Mental. In the furore that followed somehow my trousers went missing and Hermione (who wasn't even there that day) insisted that I be charged with some sort of sexual attack. All because I got confused and lost my trousers. The woman's practically a Nazi.

If we now live in a country where a man can get arrested for not wearing trousers, even though he's got a perfectly valid excuse like a mugger took them or something then really I'd rather live in North Korea? When was the last time you saw a news report about a North Korean man who got arrested for indecent exposure? Never, and I'll bet men are always losing trousers over there. It's perfectly normal. Scotsmen don't even take the risk and wear kilts instead, but do the Police turn up at their Job Centres? No.

I really wouldn't recommend watching 'Brokeback Mountain'. It's not right.

Who is the real villain?

Neonsamurai's 'Revolver' Review:

Neonsamurai has decided to write this review in the third person? Why? Because Neonsamurai has decided that he has moved beyond being simply a man, and has become a way of life. His reviews are some the best he's ever read and has probably changed the lives of lots of people who never bother to write and thank him. But Neonsamurai is not concerned by this. Nor is he concerned that Stephen Hawking CONTINUES to be heaped with praise and adulation, when he has yet to produce a decent review of a movie. Neonsamurai will instead take time to reflect on things during his up-and-coming film competition win.

This newly acquired self recognition has been brought about after Neonsamurai watched 'Revolver' by Guy Ritchie, which is itself based on a concept. In the film Jason Statham from the excellent 'Transporter' movies plays a gambler who gets involved in a con, which itself is also a con, but the man who's conning him is actually himself, who isn't the actual villain. No, the real villain is vanity. Neonsamurai would never fall for a con like this as he has no reason to con himself. Fat people often con themselves by eating sausages and pretending it won't make them fatter, or that they can eat five Mars bars because they'll go on a diet tomorrow, but then they don't. That's sort of about vanity, but mostly about stupidity.

“You can only get smarter by playing a smarter opponent” says Jason Statham's mind, who is also actually his opponent. “Another option is to read a book or do an evening course”, is what it would also have said if it wasn't trying to con him, but it clearly was. So really it was a lie, because you really can't be smarter than your own mind.

When Neonsamurai and his friend Dave sat down to watch this film Dave told him that Guy Ritchie isn't as much of a 'geezer' as he is and would point out to Neonsamurai all the bits in the film which weren't authentic, and sort of bobbed his head and spoke a bit like Jamie Oliver. But then Dave just sat there with his mouth open looking confused. When the film ended and Neonsamurai said “what just happened?” Dave went to the toilet for fifteen minutes with his new iPhone saying he understood the film completely, but needed a while to assess it in his mind. He also complained that Neonsamurai's bathroom has really bad reception.

“The film,” Said Dave through the toilet door “is the portrayal of a man's internal battle over his id and his ego.” When Neonsamurai asked Dave what an id was, Dave seemed to 'um' and 'ah' for a bit then told him that an id was a sort of what people had before IT was invented and stood for Information Drawer, which is where information used to be kept before computers. He also said he didn't want to talk about the film any more since it was so deep further conversation wouldn't do it justice.

Which is true. Either you get this film or you don't. Fortunately Neonsamurai and Dave did, but other people may not. I give it a score of 17A.

Payback Time

Neonsamurai's 'Payback' review.

Normally I hire out a DVD or go to the cinema in order to review a film, but due to a few recent issues with a) my DVD player and b) not being allowed in Blackbusters any more I have had to resort to watching movies on TV. Most of the films on TV are rubbish, with no swearing, violence or sex, so you're probably wondering “why waste your time reviewing that?” Well as a professional reviewer you often have to watch rubbish films. Normally I don't bother though and just write succinct appraisals of each movie, making accurate assumptions about them based on their names or the trailers.

Luckily 'Payback' isn't like those other films, so I watched most of it. In the film Mel Gibson gets double-crossed by his wife and his best friend, who steals loads of money from him and then leave him for dead. I know what you're thinking; “left for dead? Well that's the film over then.” WRONG. Mel doesn't die he decides he's going to get his money back and get some revenge. So when I say revenge I mean violence and there's lots of that, but how about the sex? Well Mel joins forces with an up-market prostitute and goes up against a dominatrix.

How can you tell an up-market prostitute from a regular prostitute? Well Dave told me that high-class hookers shop in Waitrose. Apparently any woman in a fur coat with a short skirt shopping in there is on-the game. He knows a few East End gangsters so he's down with the way things are on the street. But whatever you do DON'T approach one of these hookers as they flip out or get offended really easily, more so that ordinary hookers, especially the ones over 50.

I've never had sex with a prostitute. Normally when I want to have sex the prostitutes tend to be off duty and behave in a aggressive manner. The police don't act that way do they? If a cop saw a robbery he'd get stuck in and try to fight them, or stop to help at an accident, but prozzies seem to pick and choose their hours of work, seemingly at random. Restaurants stay open at lunch time because (funnily enough) that's about the time people want to eat, but who knows when they want sex? Am I supposed to hold it in? Let's say I approach a prostitute; maybe she's dressed as a traffic warden or a member of Starbucks staff, who knows? Almost immediately they will become angry. They become angry? How do they think I feel? But being the reasoned man that I am I rise above the name calling and double the money I'm offering to ten pounds. That's when they tell me to get out of the shop or call for backup on their walkie talkie. Julia Roberts never did that in 'Pretty Woman'. Not that I'd sleep with Roberts. She's evil.

Anyway, I'm pretty sure that Mel Gibson does indeed get payback at the end of the film, because (quite frankly) he deserves it, but as it was on TV I couldn't pause it and fell asleep. So although I didn't see the ending I'd give Payback a rating of 15, making it quite a good film.

Even more stuff that'd set IMDB on fire

I've been busy, and coupled with a rabid flippin' koala that thinks he's a facehugger and my still broken DVD player mean that there are no new reviews today. Although I am working on an absolutely kick-ass review (because kicking ass is what I do, just look at my page banner) of 'The Fantastic Mr. Fox' for the Littlehampton Echo. Obviously I can't post it here because someone will steal it and I'll forego my Disneyland Paris holiday.

However, I am going to share another review that IMDB couldn't handle. POW! It was like a punch to the kidneys for them! But I was rather annoyed when they took it down as it was one of my better film reviews, and because they left it up for two years. Oh well. Here it is:

Neonsamurai's 'Free Willy' Review:

Apparently:

‘The koala is a small bear-like, tree-dwelling, herbivorous marsupial which averages about 9kg (20lb) in weight. It's fur is thick and usually ash grey with a tinge of brown in places.'

Well, my description would be this:

‘The Koala is a violent angry creature who normally hides on top of my wardrobe and once jumped on my face and I couldn't pull it off. It has on more than one occasion mistaken a 3lb bag of sugar for cocaine and then went on a rampage through my mothers kitchen.'

Strange isn't it how the reality differs from the magical world of such ‘experts'. Yet to them, koalas are nice, quite creatures that wouldn't hurt a fly, but from personal experience when given some crack they go berserk and bring down aircraft. I'd liked to have seen Derek Palmers from the RSPCA get ‘holier than thou' about animal welfare after Rufus (the koala) threw himself at the bouncer outside Aylesbury's popular nightclub ‘The Lounge' and put the poor guy in hospital. Okay, so I threw Rufus the first part of the way as I drove past, but it was the koala who should be prosecuted for clamping onto the poor guy's face and not letting go until it was tranquillized. And whilst I'm on the subject of 'The Lounge', not wearing trousers is NO reason not to let someone into a nightclub.

But then, as if to rub salt in my wounds I see that Simon Wincer has directed a movie about a boy becoming friends with a killer whale. Apparently, this whale is going to be killed by the evil owners of an aquarium so the boy rescues it. Firstly, how can you become friends with a killer whale? That was stupid. At least in Johnny Mnemonic they had a dolphin with a TV in its face that was addicted to drugs; there was a creature with human failings that I could identify with and want to get to know. But this killer whale (that's right, a killer whale) is nice and kind and innocent. Yeah right, he's so perfect and gentle is he? Then how did he manage to get put in captivity? And how come he's called a killer whale? Well, my only explanation is that Willy is actually retarded, like the whale equivalent of Ang Lee (watch Pete's Dragon Ang! There's actually a dragon in that film!)

Anyway this massive killing machine ‘befriends' this boy who gets upset about the whale's plight. Where was this kid when Jaws was trying to kill the rest of Roy Scheider's family? I know he'd only be about 4, but surely he could have ‘befriended' jaws. Actually, I'm sure he wouldn't have managed, what with Jaws not being a sap like that dullard Willy. I'd like to see them try and put Jaws in an aquarium as well and make him perform tricks. His trick would have been to eat one of those annoying dolphin trainers, and maybe a few members of the audience.

Bah! Who am I kidding? I haven't even seen this movie! I'm just in a bad mood since that bouncer found me and duffed me over.