Website Roundup

I'm bored.

This business of lying low is really boring. I honestly don't know how Salman Rushdie did it. He probably had a Sky Box and a subscription to Love Film, since he made all that money from worshipping Satan and writing a book about it. I'd probably do something similar, but I'm sort of an atheist. I believe in God, but I don't believe in Satan, because obviously God is all powerful and would kick the living crap out of Satan.

God: "Hello everyone. I'd like it if you all loved each other and were very nice to everyone."

Humanity: "That's all well and good God, but Satan keeps telling us to lie, cheat and kill each other."

God: "He did? That bastard's fuckin' dead!"

--------------------------

Satan: "Oh. Hello God. Erm... What are you doing here?"

God: "Taking you to the fuckin' cleaners!"

Satan: "Jesus Christ! No!"

God: "My name's God you toilet!"

That's pretty much what would have happened (including the profanity, God doesn't mince his words), hence no Satan, which means Rushdie was worshipping a false god. What a spaz. No wonder he went into hiding.

But all this theological discussion doesn't stop me being really bored. So I decided to browse the internet and tell you the best (and worst) websites that I can find:

Spycatcher of Knightsbridge:

This is a great site. Everything you need for surveillance, pursuit, videoing and ultimately capturing of women. Obviously the purpose of this equipment isn't gender specific, but why on earth you want to capture a man? I also must stress that the only reason I would capture a woman is for scientific purposes, as part of an ongoing study. Any of you who want to help further research into this important and overlooked area of science please feel free to donate money to my PayPal account (see the link to the right). I'd use the money to buy these: Tornado Night Vision Goggles.

Tom Cruise Website:

As many of you are probably aware, Tom Cruise and I are both friends on Twitter and I regularly email him film advice in a way that only a movie critic can. So plugging his website is just the sort of thing that industry chums do. I told him not to appear in anything with Ang Lee and Tom listened. That's what makes him such a good actor, because he knows when to listen.

Stalker

Well this one is rubbish. It's for a stupid computer game that looks awful. And to make matters worse there are NO WOMEN in the game. Talk about flagrant false advertising. DO NOT VISIT.

Ask Shamu

I want to make this abundantly clear that there is no possible way that 'Shamu' is answering any of the questions that an anonymous web developer is posing it. It's a KILLER WHALE for God's sake! They can't speak, or even use simple sign language like monkeys, so how they think they can fool me into believing that any of what's there has be run past an aquatic, seal-killing behemoth is insulting.

Here's a question for you 'Shamu'; what do you take me for? An idiot? Well? Is that what you think I am 'Shamu'? A simpleton? Some dullard who believes everything a 'whale' tells him? "Oh look at me. I'm conversing with a giant, carnivorous, underwater cow!" Guess again because I've seen through your tu-penny ha-penny charade and am disgusted that you think I'd fall for it.

WHO'S THE IDIOT NOW SHAMU? EH? WHAT'S THAT? NO COMEBACK?

Neonsamurai Kicks Ass: FACT!

I am still in hiding.

No sign of Burian (or Rufus) since the 'incident', which we've all agreed was not my fault. If he wants to press charges then he's going to look pretty stupid taking a koala to court. And let's be honest, it wouldn't get that far when the judge realised that Rufus was actually a small, aggressive marsupial and couldn't give evidence. Although I don't think that matters in Pakistan, where people marry goats.

Needless to say I've been having to find things to keep me occupied during my time in hiding. Firstly I tried calling Thames Valley Police, as I'm on their witness protection scheme, but they denied all knowledge of this. In fact they went as far as to say that they don't actually have a 'witness protection scheme', which meant I was either speaking to an idiot, or it's actually so top secret that they deny it exists, which I think is probably the latter. Although in all fairness, even Littlehampton Police deny the existence of it too. Very professional.

As I've not been able to return 'Cloverfield' to Scope, and get a decent film out (probably 'Doom'), and my research into women isn't possible unless they walk past my flat, I've been watching day time television. Now most of it is rubbish, but some of the shows are good. One of the best is Jeremy Kyle.

Basically 'The Jeremy Kyle Show' works by getting a bunch of morons on the show, getting them to argue and then having Jeremy tell them they're all dullards. For my money, it's a formula that works as there are loads of complete retards out there who are always opening their stupid gobs and coming up with all sorts of ill-considered opinions. Oh look. Here's some of their emails (to me):

"The point of Avatar was that we shouldn't impose on other races for profit, and that corporate greed is destroying the environment and indigenous societies, not that people in wheelchairs can't be trusted. You are honestly the most-untalented, self-opinionated hack I've ever read. No wonder nobody will give you a job reviewing films, you don't even know what they're about."

-squaaaaal1988

"are you for real!!?!??!?!! noone could be as dumb as you are!!!!! i feel sorry for youre koala. if i knew where you lived i would tell the cops that you mistreat that animal and you should be arrested. never dress him up in human clothes and feed him drugs. you are a FREAK!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

-JoZo-lol-

"I'm not going to warn you again. Sonja Wade has told me where you live and if you write one more thing about Emily I'm coming over to give you a bloody good thumping!"

-Alan.Stephenson

Crazy huh? Jeremy Kyle would have them for breakfast. He'd be like "Avatar was about the incompetence of the disabled: FACT" or "a koala could pull your face of you idiot" or "where I come from that's a threat!" If they were on his show it'd almost be embarrassing to watch as he pointed out their sub-normal intellects.

For these reasons I support Jeremy Kyle. He's insulting thicko's because he cares.

The 'easy' way to borrow money

Okay, I would have posted this on Tuesday, but I've sort of been in hiding. I've not actually got anywhere to hide though, because Dave's gone to his nan's and his mum won't let me in their house unsupervised. Not since the accident with their washing bin. So I've really just been making excuses to hang around the clinic, or at the Job Centre, which got really boring. Eventually I went into hiding at home, because I've got my laptop and my DVD player there, and at least I can do research or watch films.

So on Sunday, Burian (Grigore's friend) turns up to discuss a loan. He's not quite what I'd expected. He doesn't wear a suit, or believe in personal grooming of any sort. If fact he's not really what I'd expected a private loan arranger to be. But you do crazy things when you're in love so I invited him in, made him a cup of tea (no sugar, I've run out) and told him how much money I wanted to borrow. Big mistake.

Now, for those of you who don't know about private loans, they differ from normal loans insomuch as they don't actually involve money. Burian can't carry large sums of cash about, because he might get mugged (although at 6' 4" and built like a tank, I doubt he would), so he normally just uses 'I owe U's' so after I'd explained how much I wanted to borrow, and Burian wrote me a note saying he owed me twenty thousand pounds. Conversely I wrote him a note saying that I owed him twenty one thousand pounds (because of the interest), which he hung onto. He then explained that we had exchanged contracts and it was now a legal requirement that we honour our agreement. He then left.

So far so good. But on Monday Burian wakes me up at 9am banging on my door and demanding to be let in. Being the polite host I open the door, but he squares up to me demanding his thousand pounds, which I was legally obliged to pay him. When I tried to point out that I hadn't actually received my twenty thousand pounds he slapped my face and told me to shut up. Now, if I had received this sort of treatment at a bank I would right now be writing a very stiff letter of complaint to their head office, but as Burian is a sole-trader I really didn't want to make him any angrier than he already was. So I sort of shrugged and told him I didn't have a thousand pounds to give him, so he slapped me again.

Eventually it became clear that if I said anything that Burian didn't like he would slap me rather hard, so I conceded that I would pay him his thousand pounds, by the end of the day or he'd come back and beat the money out of me (technically not possible). So I scraped together all the money I had (£47.28) and collected all the things I had of value (TV, DVD player, laptop, clock radio and microwave) as well as a few of the DVD's I didn't want any more ('Cloverfield', 'Tim Lovejoy's Football Heroes') ready for when Burian came back. But when he did, and I showed him my assorted valuable items he just stared at them silently with sort of wild eyes, shaking slightly. And when I asked him for my twenty grand he went ballistic.

Apparently, he thought all of my stuff was 'shit' and proceeded to throw my furniture about. Telling me that this was what happened when people try to cheat him out of a thousand pounds.

Now, it's important that I explain at this point that if you have a marsupial that has gone into a sugar-induced coma waking it up unexpectedly in a violent manner is amongst the worst things that you can do, and if Burian hadn't got me by the throat then I would have explained that to him. But I didn't. Mainly because I didn't know Rufus had passed out atop my bookshelf in an empty cardboard box, and was NOT in the mood to be disturbed. Also, I would have closed the front door had Burian not been in such a hurry to get his money.

So, we can categorically agree that when Burian fell down the stairs with a koala on his face that I was in no way culpable, bearing in mind I was hiding under my upturned sofa (where I found another 57p) at the time. I even called the ambulance for him. Well I tried. But apparently 'koala induced concussion' isn't a recognised injury and is a 'waste of emergency services time'. Oh I'm sorry. Next time I'll just lie about what happened so that the injured party doesn't get properly treated.

But at least it gave me time to find the 'I owe U' that I wrote and tear it up (contract: closed), and also his cheque book (because technically the 'I owe U' he wrote for my twenty grand was still valid). It was then just a matter of emailing Natalia his bank account details, along with the pin number he'd written inside the front cover and making sure that she only withdrew twenty thousand pounds.

However, when I went outside to return his chequebook both Burian and Rufus had disappeared. So I threw it over the fence. No doubt somebody will find it and hand it in to the police station.

So until the dust has settled I'm staying put, lying low and awaiting the arrival of my lovely Natalia.

Cloverfield Review

"Quick! Let's do everything that 'tard Rob says."

Scope delivers, again. £3.50 and I can keep the film forever. Blockbusters don't do that do they? Today I'm reviewing 'Cloverfield', but I almost got the film 'Doom', although I've got the game and sort of know the storyline. They also have clothes and books and other tat in there. I can buy a DVD, a blanket, a candlestick holder and maybe some ladies underwear, all in the same shop.

Neonsamurai's 'Cloverfield' Review

What's the first thing you think of when I say 'Cloverfield'? It's butter isn't it? Those dancing and singing cows, which for me is a bad start. I am a simple man who enjoys simple pleasures, and one of those is knowing what sort of film I'm watching based on the title. Imagine my displeasure when I watched the debacle that is the Ang Lee celluloid accident 'Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon'. Hmmm... What could that film be about? Well judging by the title, a tiger and a dragon. Well as a big fan of dragons I chose to watch this film, and became enraged when I found there to be ZERO dragons within it. Oh there was a sword called 'dragon'. Oh yes, that makes it all right if there's a sharpened lump of steel called dragon in it. Oh no you can't have your money back. Well Odeon cinemas, that decision cost you a customer. Eventually. After I took that deformed woman to watch 'Silence of the Lambs'.

Let's say you were in a video shop and the world was about to end and you only had enough time to watch a film before the sun exploded or something, so you didn't have a large enough window of opportunity to actually read all that stuff on the back of the DVD about who is in it, or what it's about and you could only choose it on the basis of the movie title? Well, you'd be screwed if it was an Ang Lee film because it'd probably be called something like 'Strike Force Battle Robots', and you get home and put it in your DVD and start watching only to find out half an hour in that 'Strike Force Battle Robots' was the name of a chip shop, and you were watching a drama about infidelity or something boring. Wouldn't that piss you off? It makes me REALLY angry and I'm only thinking about it. If it happened for real I'd go absolutely crazy.

That's right Lee. You'd better hope that the sun explodes or you're a DEAD MAN.

There's this guy called Rob and he's going to work in Japan so his friends throw this surprise party for him but mid-way through the party a monster attacks New York. So they cancel the party and everyone goes home. At least I presume they do. It's not actually shown in the film, probably because it's some of the worst camera handling I've ever seen. Half the time you can't really tell what's going on. Now I'm not a film maker, I'm a film reviewer, although some of the movies I used to make using a camcorder were clearer than what you see in this effort. That's taking into account that I was often disturbed half-way through making a film and had to either fight off an angered husband or escape from a police canine-response squad. Yet I could easily make out what the women were or weren't wearing upon later viewing. They were part of a study I was doing into women's bodies. It's an ongoing study that I intend to continue in the near-future.

Anyway, this monster is attacking New York, the party has been cancelled and basically it's gone from being a fun night, to a really bad one, compounded by a frankly appalling cameraman. Rob and some others decide to go looking for this woman he went on a date with, rather than getting out of the city. I won't spoil the ending but basically Rob gets everyone killed, something he feels compelled to record on video for posterity. When is he ever going to watch that again? Oh, nothing on the telly. Hmm... Think I'll watch those appalling choices I made that resulted in everyone getting killed by a giant monster.

Dullard.

Does that strike anyone else as strange? If I hadn't had my camcorder seized for evidence, I'd only film myself doing cool things. I certainly wouldn't make sure that there was a video diary of my choices leading to everyone dying. If there was, I'd record over it, rather than leaving it for somebody to find and watch.

This, I'm afraid, forces me to give 'Cloverfield' zero Oscars. I'm going to take it back to Scope and demand a refund.

Rufus AWOL

Missing Koala

Have you seen my koala? He looks
like the one above but he's got sort
of a permanent scowl, and has
slightly lighter fur. Might also still
be dressed as a butler.

If you see him can you please try
and put him in a sack, or lock him
in your garage or something because
he might be high and when he is he
can be unpredictable and violent.

DO NOT feed him any of the
following substances:

Polystyrene
Daz
Sherbet
Crack Cocaine
Normal Cocaine
Silica Gel

If you do he goes mental.

Should you manage to catch him
please contact me via my blog:
http: neonsamurai.kicks-ass.net

Yes, that little Aussie bastard has got loose again. All it takes is a momentary lapse in concentration and he's out the door like a shot. Normally that's not a problem as he just clamps onto the first face he sees and I can prize him off with a fork, but this time he has vanished. If you've seen him around Littlehampton, please try and catch him then drop me a line here.

Predators Review

Actors in 'Predators'.

Oh look I'm reviewing a film! Somebody call the police because that must be a crime!

Just for the record I was going to post this anyway, so don't think it's because of certain people making stupid comments.

Neonsamurai's 'Predators' Review:

Just imagine for one minute that you're a professional killer, like my mate Dave. One minute you're in Curry's playing on their Xbox 360, the next minute you're falling out of the sky over the jungle. That's pretty terrifying right? Well what about if once you landed in the jungle you had to then fight alien monsters?! That's really scary.

How do I know? Well because Dave and myself saw this at the weekend and I thought it was brilliant. One Chinese bloke fights a Predator with a samurai sword! How cool is that? But Dave kept on going out to the toilet when all the scary bits came on the screen, which I thought was unusual for somebody who had to fight rogue cyborgs in Bedford when he was in Team Extreme. However, afterwards Dave said it was because of post traumatic stress disorder, due to the film's extreme realism.

Also, as Dave pointed out, if what happened in the film was real, he'd be a prime candidate to be abducted by the Predators. Dave sleeps in the nude, so he was worried he'd end up being chased around the jungle in the nuddy by Predators. However, he'd also noted several weaknesses the alien hunters have, which he'd exploit in order to defeat them, even if he was naked. He can't help doing this, as it was part of his special forces training.

Here's an article by Dave's of the Predators weaknesses that he'd use against them in an ironic twist, turning them from the hunter to the hunted:

Alrirte? Dave hear with my list of how to defeat Predaters. In the filmthey seem hard, but thats becarse they were fighting acters and not real specail forces soldiers like I was once.

• Headaches: If they only see in all of them funny colours all the time then they must have headaches all the time. The last thing youy want when youve got a headache are bright lites and loud music. That'd make them go mental.So I'd walk around with a getto blaster and some torches, flushing them out of cover.
  
• No clothes: Predators wear noffing. Which means that they might get cold if you hid in a cave, or by the sea of something. A cold soldier dont fite like a warm soldier, becarse they keep having to drink hot tea from a thermos, or wear mittens and you can't use a gun if you wear mittens.
• Lazer Sites: Lazer sites dont work on mirrors. If you were being chased by a predater then if you hide in a shop full of mirrors, like Jon Lewis or something, it would confuze it and it wouldnt be able to use its gun. I was trained to aim without a lazer site. Thats when I'd take it down.
• Size: Predaters are well big so they dont expect some smaller guy attacking them. If I saw a predater hassling some girls I'd walk up to it an clock it one right in its face. Thatd confuse it. then I'd punch his stomach until he doubled over and nee him in his chin. Pow! Over and out. Game over predater, and I won.
  

Hopefully if any of you do end up fighting predators on an alien planet then Dave's advice should come in handy. Especially the bit about mirrors, which makes a lot of sense. But, as the characters in the film weren't former member of the now disbanded Team Extreme, they were clearly out of their depth with the predators and as you can imagine it was a bloodbath.

But the film was super-awesome primarily because there were loads of predators, not just one, and to make things even better, there were new, bigger ones. One issue with the film is hunt saboteurs. They turn up all over the place, stopping fox hunting, badger baiting, hare coursing and fishing, but once when they're actually needed there's no sign. No wonder you guys have such a bad reputation if the only kind of hunting you endorse is ones with a human quarry. Not that predators would have listened, but that's hardly the point. They were conspicuous by their absence. I only bring this up as it was the focal point in my 'Predator' review which IMDB didn't recognise as valid.

However, this didn't spoil the film for me and I give it two Oscars, making it a brilliant film.

The course of true love can be wonky

Well it's been nearly a month now since the first part of 'From Russia With Love and Guns' was posted here, and yet I've had virtually zero interest from Hollywood, even though there's loads of awesome action and some romance as well. It's also miles better than most of the rubbish that Hollywood makes these days.

I'll probably post some more of the script, but to be honest I've lost interest in doing it at the moment, mainly because of all the 'relationship issues' I've been having lately. Don't get me wrong, I know that love can be a rocky voyage, and with Natalia and myself it's no different, but the woman seems obsessed with money. Yes, she works down a mine and is also a pole dancer and keeps almost having to almost marry rich old men, but now she just goes on and on about that twenty grand, and practically ignored my script (which is part autobiographical). Anyway, I think she suggested a trial separation. Well here's the MSN feed:

NeonStudXXL - Hello sexy baby how are you?

Natalia1181 - What you want?

NeonStudXXL - To share my love with you my lovely lady.

Natalia1181 - Oh god. It is you.

NeonStudXXL - Yes, and I'm feeling very sexy.

Natalia1181 - Whatever. You have money?

NeonStudXXL - Look, I've been through this. I can't get the money until somebody buys my script. Besides my script is dedicated to you, for being such a sexy lady.

Natalia1181 - AARRGH! You are doing in my head! You waste my time! I need money! You don't even have bank account!

NeonStudXXL - As I explained I'm technically under police protection. Hence my lack of funds.

Natalia1181 - I think you are wasting my time. You are taking piss.

NeonStudXXL - Erm? Would I go to the hassle of writing almost 4 FULL pages of script if I wasn't serious? I very much think NOT.

Natalia1181 - You are wrong in head. Leave me alone until you send me money.

NeonStudXXL - Pfft! You think I can stop loving you like that? Oh no, love isn't something you can switch on and off like a light. Love is like a fire it burns in your heart and doesn't ever go out.

NeonStudXXL - No, love isn't like a fire. It's more like a light, but with a dimmer switch that can't be switched off. But the brightness changes.

Natalia1181 - Please stop! I am not caring! You have wasted my time.

NeonStudXXL - And there are no power cuts.

NeonStudXXL - I can't stop loving you Natalia.

Natalia1181 - I am not Natalia I am Pavel. I am a man!

NeonStudXXL - ? :¬/

NeonStudXXL - Ahhh. No, this isn't Cassablanca my darling. I know that you love me and don't want to hurt me. But you're not Burt Lancaster and I'm not that woman who was in it. Our love will prevail.

Natalia1181 - Please. Please stop messaging me. I am man. I was try to extort money.

NeonStudXXL - No my darling. You shall get your money.

------Natalia1181 has disconnected----------

In light of these recent developments I've taken Grigore from the Chick 'n Fish up on his offer of help. Apparently he knows some guys who can lend me money even if I've got bad credit history. Then I'll be able to get that cash over to Natalia and we can be together at last.

From Russia with Love and Guns - Part 3

From Russia With Love and Guns

By Neonsamurai

New Scene: The Samurai is in a bed and breakfast in the Kremlin, and unpacking his suitcase. He hears a knock at the door, and pulls out a machine gun and moves forward.

The Samurai: "Who is it?"

Person behind door: "Room service. And death!"

The Samurai dives for cover, just as the door EXPLODES and five Russian Ninjas run in. The Samurai climbs to his feet and gets into a kung-fu stance.

The Samurai: "Five? That's my lucky number."

A fight ensues which at first looks like the ninjas will win, but using his unorthodox ways, The Samurai learns each of their weaknesses (one has a bad knee, one is colourblind, one has vertigo, another had a poor upbringing and the last one is scared of giant squid) and exploits them. As the last ninja falls, a group of men appear at the smoldering doorway holding machine guns. At their head is General Yeltsin.

General Yeltsin: "Well, well, well. If it isn't Britain's best secret agent: The Samurai?"

The Samurai: "And if it isn't Russia's most stupid idiot: General Yeltsin?"

General Yeltsin: "How dare you!? Guards take him away! I'll teach him not to mess with the Soviet Union or call me names!"

The Samurai: "It's what I do."

New scene: Back in England Boss Man is at work in his office doing lots of paperwork, when a flustered clerk barges in. He's out of breath and nervous.

Boss Man: "Dammit! Don't you know how to knock?"

Clerk: "Sorry sir, it's just that..."

Boss Man: "Well son? Spit it out."

Clerk: "According to satellite surveillance, The Samurai has already broken 50% of the rules you gave him prior to this mission!"

The camera zooms in on the Boss Man's angry face as he bares his teeth and clenches his fists.

Boss Man: "SAMURAIIIII!!!!!"

---------------------------------------------

These are two very important scenes within the film because a) We see The Samurai breaking rules b) He gets captured by the baddies c) Boss Man gets very angry due to the rule-breaking.

Networking.

I think that there must be something wrong with the internet, because I have had neither PayPal contributions nor any offers for my film script (WHAT YOU WERE OFFERING TO DO WITH IT WAS OBSCENE JAVIER).

However I am being pragmatic about this and am moving forward, plus doing some 'networking' as they call it in the biz. The 'biz' is what people who work in the movie industry call it, and networking is when you meet people and talk about your script and which actor is attached. At the moment I'm keeping it fairly low-key as I think FRWLAG is kind of an art house film.

I've handed out some of my scripts to some local people who are quite influential; Dave, Dr Chen, Dr Hinds, Grigore from Chick 'n Fish, Charlie and Abigail (OH WHAT'S THAT JAVIER? NO SCRIPT FOR YOU? WELL I GUESS YOU'RE NOT INFLUENTIAL THEN ARE YOU?). Well I say I Abigail, I tried to give a copy to Abigail, but can you guess what happened? Yes, she went mental again. If a woman can't interact with a normal member of society, without going nutzoid then maybe (just maybe) she needs to be locked up. I don't mean that to be harsh but clearly that's going to be best for everyone.

Imagine somebody wanted to give you something that is free but might be worth millions (e.g. Christs birth certificate or my script). Would you hide from them and sit with the orderlies, refusing to even look at them, or say "wow thanks Neonsamurai, great script" and maybe tell your friends? Logically you'd do the later, but not Abigail. In fact, she became so illusive I had to employ tactics used by some famous script writers. I don't mean anything as naff as posting it to them, but things like putting it in a pizza box and having it delivered to the directors office, or paying a woman with big breasts to wear a T shirt printed with page 1 of your script arrive on set and make advances at the producer.

Now obviously I don't have loads of money, so I just jumped out of the supplies cupboard and threw it at her shouting "Read it! READ IT!!". One free script (and a free folder she could keep, which I'd found lying around) for her to read. You'd think she'd be grateful. Oh no. Oh no Abigail is not grateful AT ALL.

In fact so ungrateful is Abigail that the orderlies not only subdue me but they have to sedate her as well. Which turns out to be an absolute farce. Normally I have the highest respect for the clinic and the persons employed there, even Dr Hinds, who now just stares at me in silence for forty minutes during our sessions, occasionally having that nervous tick she's developed, before telling me to come back until next week, under any circumstances. But it turns out that they've mislaid the folder containing Abigail's notes and end up giving her the wrong sort of tranquilizer.

Tranquilizer's tranquilizer right? WRONG. Abigail goes 'Hulk' on the orderlies and runs out of the clinic, dragging one of them behind her, who's valiantly trying to restrain the woman's drug fueled rampage. So I try and help by shouting "Take her down! Lethal force! LETHAL FORCE!" when two orderlies charge out of the staff room, probably trying to ambush her. Bad move. She clotheslines' one of them and backhands the other shouting "I am a Ghostbuster! I AIN'T 'FRAID OF NO GHOST!"

To her credit Abigail made it as far as Budgens before she passed out.

However, all of this did give me the opportunity to visit Dr Chen and give him my script. He wasn't particularly interested though, but it is my first draft. Maybe when I've got a few big names attached to it he'll come around to the idea. I'll also add some Chinamen as well. He's bound to like that.

From Russia with Love and Guns - Part 2

Well I can understand that personal friend Tom Cruise is probably too busy to return my tweet about the script for 'From Russia With Love and Guns', since he's promoting his movie Knight and Day and Kidman's about as reliable as a French farmer but I thought Jackman might bother to reply. He's perfect for the role. Although no surprise that Hawking didn't respond! HA! Hawking! Where's your film script?

Still I've done some more work on the script and decided to share it here, since a lot of my story is about character development and you need more than a few paragraphs to do that.

-------------------------------

From Russia with Love and Guns

By NeonSamurai

New Scene: The Samurai is on an Easy Jet flight to Russia and relaxing after eating his meal. He is gazing out of the window looking very deep and also a bit vulnerable, because women like that sort of thing. He is also eating a little packet of crisps. A man sits down next to him. He is another secret agent, codename: The Warrior.

The Warrior: "What's a guy gotta do to get a drink around here?"

The Samurai: "They're not included in the cost of the flight. Wait... Who are you?"

The Warrior: "I'm your new partner, codename: The Warrior."

The Samurai: "No. After what happened to my last partner, I work alone."

Flashback to a scene five years previously: The Samurai and his partner, The Destroyer have been captured by the Russian army and have been tied up. An evil looking Russian called General Yeltsin stands before them.

General Yeltsin: "Well, well, well. We have caught Britain's best secret agent and another one who is almost as good, although not a maverick and has a family."

The Samurai: "Do what you like to me Yeltsin, but my partner is innocent. It's my unorthodox methods that got us caught, so I should be held accountable."

The Destroyer: "Don't worry Sam, this guy doesn't frighten me. I knew the risks when I became a secret agent, even though I have a young family."

General Yeltsin: "Ha! Ha! Ha! You handsome fools! You can't be secret agents if I put an advert in the paper with your pictures telling everyone that you're secret agents! I've also put an advert in the newsagent's window as well."

The Samurai: "Curse you Yeltsin! I'll never trust another Russian, or by proxy an Australian!"

The Destroyer: "Nooooo! I really need this job! I've got a young family!"

Scene fades back to The Warrior and The Samurai on the plane, as he finishes his story.

The Samurai: "...and Destroyer had to give up working as a secret agent as he was too well known, and got a job as a plumber. Luckily for me, Yeltsin used the wrong photograph and spelled my name with an 'e' so I could carry on. I certainly hope I don't meet him during this mission, and have to duff him up or something."

The Warrior: "Well as your new partner I can assure you that won't be happening. I do everything by the book."

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Yes, it's a very emotional part of the script, but just because FRWLAG is an action/romance movie, it doesn't mean that it can't also have some very moving scenes. Also I am exploring an original concept of mine concerning somebody who plays by the rules, and somebody who makes his own rules teaming up. Will their varying styles clash? Will they begrudgingly learn to respect each other? Well I'll tell you now that Warrior dies when he slips and falls down the plane steps, so it's just something for the audience to theorize over after the film.

Don't forget, if you are a movie director, or know Spielberg or something, then please let them know about my blog and get them to read the script. I only want about twenty grand for it.