Kick Ass? More like 'Nothing to do with my website' Ass.

Nope. That's not me.

Natalia hasn't been online for a few days now so I decided to post my review of 'Kick Ass', which I watched with Dave back in April. I warn you now it's not what I'd expected and I feel very let down by the movie. I also want to reiterate to any women out there that the competition to win a date with NeonSamurai is now over and you lost. If you wind up alone, surrounded by dozens of cats wondering why you're single don't come crying to me, because I'll be too busy having sex with a real woman who looks like a blonde Angelina Jolie. Although she has said she'll have a threesome with another woman if I want, so maybe contact me and I'll see what I can arrange. Obviously subject to what you look like.

Neonsamurai's 'Kick Ass' Review:

Did anybody else notice that within months of me getting a web address called neonsamurai.kicks-ass.net a superhero movie gets rushed into our cinemas? Is it a co-incidence? Well being the open-minded guy that I am I thought I that somebody had finally read my blog and IMDB reviews and though "this guy sounds awesome. Let's make a movie about him."

And why shouldn't they? They make movies about that smug bastard John Nash, who sits in his huge mansion chuckling about how clever he is and how he knows the secret to having sex with women. Ooh good for you Nash. Ooh we're all so happy you won a nobel prize and get to sleep with Jennifer Connelly, whenever and however you sodding want to. I've NEVER had sex with Jennifer Connelly or a woman who looks like Jennifer Connelly. I once nearly had sex with a woman who looked a bit like Sloth from 'Goonies', but a police canine unit showed up and I had to run for it.

So I go to watch 'Kick Ass' without any preconceived ideas about how they're going to portray me. Well firstly they'd changed my name, and made me American, but I've seen 'High Fidelity' and I know that they've probably done this to appeal to the American market, so I let it slide. 'I' wear glasses (good, well done) and although they've increase my number of friends by approximately 100% one of them sort of looks like Dave, but slimmer, and without his AC/DC T shirts or his beard. He drinks coffee (LIKE I USED TO UNTIL COSTA 'MUST BE FULLY DRESSED' COFFEE DECIDED TO BAN ME), researches womens bodies online and hasn't got a girlfriend.

But the rest of it is all nonsense. I've never fought crime as a superhero, there are no film reviews, no koalas, RSPCA interventions, mentions of my blog, emergency marsupial-related forced-landings, hunt sabotage, witness relocation programs, milk float kamikaze runs and that dick Javier trying to borrow money off me (I'M UNEMPLOYED JAVIER YOU SPAZ! JUST LIKE YOU ARE!)

I mean have they even read any of my stuff? It's almost like the producers, directors and writers were completely oblivious to any of my work. Now let's be honest, if you're going to try and make an autobiographical film then reading up on your subject is the absolute minimum research you should be doing. But, no, they practically make the whole thing up.

That's fine if you're making a film like 'The Patriot', but if it's meant to be based on a contemporary character (i.e. me) then you must do research. Have I ever fought crime dressed in a green costume (which is actually the whole point of the movie)? Erm... No! Although I have considered it.

So in summary don't go and watch the Neonsamurai autobiographical movie 'Kick Ass' because it's not about me.

Competition OVER

Is your girlfriend this beautiful? No. But mine is. Ha!

That's right 'ladies' the competition to win a date with me is over. It has ended and you've all lost. You had your chance to enter and you all blew it through either ineptitude, laziness or because you can't speak English. Those are your problems, not mine. And guess what? Your failings cost you a free meal, sex and possibly bus fare home (depending on location).

But I honestly could not care less, because I'm in love.

You see, love transcends all nationalities, languages and psychiatric problems, which is why I will be marrying the beautiful Natalia Tarasov, probably next month when I've got my loan confirmed. And yes, I know that those pictures on her website are actually of Angelina Jolie, but as she doesn't own a digital camera she had to find pictures on the internet, and Jolie looks the most like her (although apparently her hair is blonde and she's got bigger boobs).

Like all couples who fall in love we've got quite a funny story about how we met. I was on the internet doing some research and stumbled upon her website. What are to odds of that? There are literally billions of websites and I found hers. I've probably got more chance of being hit by a bus, than something like that happening. I read her description and pretty much fell in love right there, without even speaking to her! How amazing is that? So I emailed her and apparently I'm just the kind of man she likes, even after I sent her my photograph! So now we're in love.
She likes everything I like, as well as animals, dancing, singing and living in England, which I'm okay with. When you're in love to have to compromise, although I don't like dancing. I tried body-popping in Hale Leys once as a form of busking, when an ambulance turned up to deal with a 'seizure'. There were also some cops as well, but that was an unrelated issue concerning stolen underwear.

But Natalia is the main reason I've not updated my blog in so long, because I'll often spend hours talking with her on MSN and have got better things to be doing than posting reviews that this guy then rips off. I might start doing reviews again when we're married, but only because Natalia says that she enjoys reading them. In fact, she says that she might be able to get me a job working for the premier Russian film review magazine, because she knows someone there. The magazine is called Russian Film Magazine.

Unfortunately Natalia can't change her website to say she's engaged to me, since she lost her password, but she says she's 100% in love with me and will be flying over as soon as she has the money.

Dave's Movie Buzz - April 03

This is Dave, not Neol.

Chris Evans is Captane America: Actor Chris Evans will be acting as the famous super soldjer, 'Captane America'. Back in the 90's England had a super soldier called 'Majer Briton' who went rogue, so they had an elite group of soldiers track him down. They caught up with him in the Newbury Harvester restraunt, where he was hassling some girls, so the team leader laid him out with one punch. SMACK! The team then got off with the girls.

--Dave's Movie Fact--: Before he became and actor Chris Evans used to present TFI Friday on Chanel 4, and is not to be confuzed with the Radio 2 DJ of the same name.

Tom Hanks Environmental Protest: Tom Hanks yesterday set fire to a pile of 3000 rubber tyres as a protest about the environment. "Everyday people drive their cars and wheelspin and stuff" he said "and it's bad for the environment, like I'm showing here. Dont do it anymore." Hanks reckons it's alright if he does it, but other people shouldn't because of the environment. "I burn rubber so you dont have to" he said.

James Cameron sucked into computer: Like in Tron, James Cameron got digitized by a laser and now lives in the 3D world he created for Avatar. "I don't like it in here. I want to come home." He said yesterday via my MSN account. Apparantly he's in that caravan bit they carried with that helicopter, up into the mountains, but he's no got anyone to talk to because those blue aliens don't speak English.

Eastenders Movie in Production: Fans of British Sope Opra Eastenders will be pleased to hear that its being made into a movie, being directed by Sam Mendez. "The story is how Stacy has a falling out with her sister and how the Queen Vic gets closed down." He said. "It should tie up a lot of loose ends."

Thats all from me this week. There might not be a movie buzz next week as Im buying a new car. Also Neol wanted me to say that he definitly is NOT dead.

Neonsamurai R.I.P.

Hello, it's Dave here.

I have some very sad news about Neon who was killed this morning when a bus driven by some moron from 'On the Go' who lost control and crashed it. Neon's last words were "please update the blog Dave so that people know what's happened. And also so that people stop letting those fascists drive buses around here." He also said some other things about self-sacrifice, which is typical of him putting others first, but I won't mention them as he's a very deep guy.

When the movie industry heard the news about what had happened lots of people were very sad and had this to say about England's premier film-reviewer:

"He was easily the best film reviewer I've ever read, and from what I heard was also a big hit with the ladies." Thomas Cruise.

"I'm afraid from this day onwards I will not be funny in any way as a mark of respect to one of the film-reviewing greats. If we'd met, we'd have been friends." Whoopee Goldberg.

"Oh that's so sad. I wish I'd got off my stupid arse and responded to his tweets and those letters he sent me, but I'm afraid I'm a complete idiot." Nicole Kidman.

"I'm no better than Kidman." Hugh Jackman.

I would also like to add on a personal level that...

APRIL FOOL!

HA! HA! HA! I'm not really dead, it was all a cleverly constructed rouse to make you think I was. But I'm not. I was actually pretending to be Dave so as to make an April Fool of YOU! Ha! Ha! Just because I'm a professional film reviewer, doesn't mean I can't occasionally shake things up and share a bit of a joke with my loyal readership. LET'S SEE YOU DO THAT WINKLEMAN.

Now whilst you found my joke there hilarious, you'll be surprised to learn that others don't share your sense of humour. Even when I magnify the hilarity of 'April Fools Day' by doing it two days earlier, at the clinic. Do they, like you, clutch their sides and between loud guffaws and say "Oh Neon! You are a very funny prankster"? As hard as it is to believe, they do not. Not even a knowing wink or a wry smile. In fact, try to imagine the exact opposite response to hilarity and then you'll have an idea of just how Abigail responded.

Honestly, why do I bother? I even went to the expense of buying fake blood, and that stuff's not cheap.

Logically, if somebody was dishing out free hilarity (like Patch Adams) you'd think "hmm... This guy is bringing happiness to people, let's let him carry on". You definitely wouldn't assign two orderlies to accompany him everywhere he goes in the clinic, with special instructions that he has to use the toilets in the East wing as they are furthest from the women's wash rooms. Brilliant. No wonder somebody had to sedate Abigail.

I think the talented Robert Carlyle (Train Spotting) summed it up best when he said:

"No man who has once heartily and wholly laughed can be altogether irreclaimably bad."

Yet can I make Abigail laugh? To be honest, I doubt that even Whoopee Goldberg could make Abigail laugh, which if Robert's right, kind of makes her evil. I'm just saying what he's implying, but clearly there's something wrong with her.

Anyway, why not share my hilarious April Fool's joke with some of your friends? Or you could pretend to be a semi dressed corpse in the ladies toilets, and then get up and chase a woman into one of the cubicles whilst moaning like a zombie. But apparently that's NOT funny.

WTF (x3)?!?!?!?!

Neonsamurai's 'A Fish Called Wanda' review:

Who makes decisions at the BBC? Is it:

a) A board of experts who carefully consider every option.

Or

b) A spaz.

Here's a clue, it's not 'a' and they've probably got stuck in a telephone box this morning. How do I know this (not the telephone box bit, that's just a theory)? Well I'll show you how I know this right here.

Claudia Winkleman has been confirmed as the surprise choice to replace Jonathan Ross on Film 2010.

What? Winkleman? Why? Why choose Winkleman? Oh I know, I'll go check out some her previous film reviews... Oh wait a minute... That's not possible because SHE'S NOT DONE ANY. Whereas I've done OVER 70. This is beyond a debacle. Why on earth would anyone, even someone who is a spaz, choose a non-reviewer with zero experience to helm 'Film 2010'? That duck-obsessed hack Emily Stephenson has more film review experience than Winkleman and even then it's been universally agreed that her review of 'Fantastic Mr. Fox' was rubbish. But let's see what Winkleman has to say for herself:

"I am completely over the moon about being given this enormous
honour and am incredibly proud to be presenting the new look Film 2010. It's an
honour to follow on from the brilliant Jonathan Ross."

Oh of course you're proud and 'over the moon' to be presenting 'Film 2010', and I'm sure I would be the same if I was chosen to host 'Strictly Come Dancing', but I'd also be bloody amazed that they'd chosen me FOR NO APPARENT REASON. Also because I allegedly 'stalked' two of the contestants. Did you even write to the BBC for the job Winkleman? I did and I didn't even get a sodding response. No "we're sorry Neonsamurai, but although you're perfect for the job we're giving it to Winkleman, for no apparent reason", or "no you can't present 'Film 2010' but we'll let you do 'How to Look Good Naked' instead".

Oh and if Ross is so brilliant, how come he never responds to my tweets?

Seeing as the spaz who made this decision made zero effort to research myself, (or I suspect any other film reviewer other than Winkleman, who isn't a film reviewer) I thought I'd post some of the feedback I've had over the years about my film reviews:

"I'm glad the RSPCA had you arrested." Lynlyn81

"You missed the whole point of the film." W4rr10r

"I demand you remove it from the internet at once!" Derek Palmers

"If you email me again I will notify Blogger." JenDZR

"UR mazziv ghey!!!!!!!!!!!!!" BAUER91

Face it, it's a sad day for film reviews everywhere when the person at the helm of the world's greatest film review show knows nothing about films, actors, producing, key grip and all that other stuff they have to do to make a film.

Dave's Movie Buzz - Alien Prequel Special

Daves Movie Buzz - Alien Prequel Special

Alright? Daves heer with more Movie Buzz. This week Ive been speaking with the yakuza, who are like the Chinese version of the Mafia, and because a lot of movie business takes place in resterants they sort of listen in and then act on it. Apparently Wrigley Scott had a some sweet and sower chicken balls and some egg-fried rice in the Lotus Garden in Burnley and said some stuff about the new Alien film.

Alien Prequel Set Space: Rather than set it on earth the Alien prequel will take place in space, like on a planet or something. Maybe a spaceship.

More Comedy and Fun: After the dull and boring ones set on a prison planet, Wrigley reckons he 'll make it more of a comedy and take the series in a new direction, like Cameron did with Aliens. "If you think about it an alien coming out of a mans tummy is quite funny. Like in Spaceballs or something." said Wrigley.

Sigurney Weaver Not in It: Weaver won't be in the prequel because she'll be too old to be a yonger one of herself. "If we'd made the prequel before we made Alien" said Wrigley "Then we could have made her look younger with make up. But she's like 70 or something now, so it's impossible."

Cast Will be all Midgets: Because the aliens in the prequel are going to be much bigger than before they need smaller actors to play the space marines. "Weve got the cast of TimeBandits playing the army." If its a comedy then it makes sense as loads of people find midgets funny.

Theme Song by Lilly Allen: Popular singer Lilly Allen will do a song for the movie called 'Chest Burster'. Last week Lilly Allen was in this pub and this bloke was hassling her so this geezer decked him. Shut him right up. Then he got off with Lilly.

That's all the stuff the yakuza told me abowt the Alien Prequel. The yakuza often kill people with venom from jellyfish. Just so you know.

Gulf War

You know who women can't get enough of?

Hugh Grant.

Why's he so special? It's not like he's Steven Segal or Chuck Norris who can both seriously kick ass. It just seems to me that Grant doesn't bring that much to the table. Other than perhaps the fact that he's English, which women seem to love. I'm English and it doesn't work for me.

I'll bet if a woman came home and found Hugh Grant in her house she'd be over-the-moon, but in a similar situation involving myself they call the police. Why? I'm not sure exactly what the 'special something' that Grant seemingly has that I don't is, but evidently it's important enough that he doesn't have to spend 36 hours in police custody. Apart from that time with the prostitute of course.

I think that the main problem is that most women in the UK are mental. Not as mental as Abigail (who is back at the clinic and just weeping all the sodding time) but maybe 60% wrong-in-the-head. Imagine you're a woman and you're looking for a man, logically you'd choose the one who liked the same things that you did (your underwear, getting naked, watching people, movies, etc). Does Hugh Grant like any of those things? I'd imagine he probably doesn't and yet women persist in liking him. I see nothing special about him ergo: women are psychotic.

As if to underline this fact with a big, thick permanent marker there has to date only been 1 (non-valid) entry in the heavily publicised 'Win a Date with Neonsamurai' competition, which includes free food and maybe bus fare (depending on location).

WOMEN: ARE YOU MENTAL? PROVE YOU'RE NOT BY ENTERING MY COMPETITION FOR SEX

Neonsamurai's 'Weapons of the Gulf War' Review:

Using a currently untapped goldmine of successful and (mostly) unheard of films from popular high street eBay precursor Scope, I have obtained a film not about people, but weapons. Whilst this may sound 'cute' like 'Toy Story' it's certainly not, giving you hard facts about the hardware that was used in the first Gulf conflict. Also it's just the ones the Americans used.

Really, they just talk about guns, planes, bombs, tank and battleships. It's alright. Not much of a storyline, except how the Americans won.

No Oscars for this one either. It's too much like 'Tim Lovejoy's Football Heroes', except without Tim Lovejoy (who's very talented) which counts against it.

No More Heroes Anymore

Neonsamurai's 'Tim Lovejoy's Football Heroes' Review:

Well this wasn't what I'd expected. I enjoyed 'Shaolin Soccer' and thought that this was more of the same. It's not. It's just Tim Lovejoy interviewing some pensioners and showing lots of stock footage of boring football matches. Sure, it only cost me 99p from Scope, but I was at least hoping for some kung fu action or some back-flips. If Tim Lovejoy had lunged across the room and chopped Jimmy Greaves across the throat I might have enjoyed it.

Lovejoy: "I've got one last question Greavesie and that's... HIYAAAAAH!"

Greaves: "URK!... GACK!... Windpipe..."

But he didn't.

Now normally this sort of thing would make me VERY angry, because to me a 'hero' is somebody who uses violence to beat somebody up who basically deserves it. But I decided to look up the word 'hero' just to see if there are any other uses for it. Here's what I found:

1. a man distinguished by exceptional courage, nobility, fortitude, etc.

2. a man who is idealized for possessing superior qualities in any field

3. (Myth & Legend / Classical Myth & Legend) Classical myth a being of extraordinary strength and courage, often the offspring of a mortal and a god, who is celebrated for his exploits

4. the principal male character in a novel, play, etc.

Notice how I have highlighted point number 2. A man who possesses superior qualities in any field. So I guess that Tim Lovejoy is correct and that these men who were really good at football can technically be called 'heroes'. But then I'm one of the best film reviewers around (probably best in England, for sure) so I guess that would make ME a hero. A film review hero.

I'm also sort of the principle male character on this blog, so it sort of counts twice.

Anyway I'm not going to give 'Tim Lovejoy's Football Heroes' an oscar, because it's not very good, and the storyline is weak.

Besides, since I got my new DVD player I've got better things to be doing than Writing DVD reviews.

Dave's Movie Buzz

Dave's Movie Buzz 210310

I know people in the industry. Not actors or ponces like that but mafia guys who aren't afraid to silence peeple who mess with them.

Jet Lee Bruce Lees Son: They did some DNA tests and stuff on Jet Lee and it turns out hes Bruce Lees son, which is why they reckon he so good at karate. When they told him he said something like "It is great honowr to be son of Bruce lee". Hes also vowed to avenge his dads death.

Sting Beaten up in Pub: Sting was getting all gobby in the Bricklayers Arms pub in Aylesbury and tryin it on with these girls who werent interested. So this bloke says "leave it Sting, if you know whats good for you" and Sting said "bodyguards, get him!" So this bloke who was ex-special forces beat up three bodyguards and then knocked Sting out with one punch. Pow! When Sting woke up he started blubbing and legged it. The girls where really thankful to the guy, whois name I can't mention. Obviously Sting will deny any of this happened.

Hollywood to Make Michael Jackson Biopic: They reckon the buget will be about 300 million and Jackson will be played by 3 actors. Will Smith's son, Will Smith and then Eric Bana. Apparently, the story will be about his life and how he went mental.

Zulu Remake Starring Jamie Fox: The remake will be about how a squad of African American soldiers who make up a special forces unit got parachuted into Kenya to stop a rogue British Army Commander from blowing up a peaceful town of Zulus. Jamie Fox stars as Captain Jackson Shaft, as wisecracking but respected officer who has to deal with racism and also killing loads of people. Its being produced by Mel Gibson.

Thats it for this weeks movie buzz. If anyones got any idea for what I could right about next week let me know as I'm runing out of ideas.

Yes Master Chen

Dr Hinds at the clinic has been getting more and more angry of late, so I've been trying to cheer her up by playing a few practical jokes. I'm pretty sure that anyone else would at least laugh at this sort of thing, but she's actually getting angrier.

Question: You're a doctor and you've got a depressed patient who just seems to cry all the bloody time. She turns up every week and just cries and cries, won't talk to one of the other patients who 'frightens' her and has delusional fears about ghosts. Clearly whatever you're doing isn't working, or there should at least have been some change by now, so you need to take action fast in order to cheer up Abigail and stop her getting sectioned. What would logically be the best course of action?

Answer: A man leaps out from the cupboard in your office shouting "BOO!" That's funny right? It's ironic. Abigail is afraid of ghosts so I pretend I'm a ghost and we all have a laugh, because ghosts aren't real. Surely cheering up a patient would make Hinds happy.

No. Apparently it doesn't.

And now Abigail has been sectioned, probably because Hinds sat around talking, rather than taking any action. But mostly because Abigail is convinced that men are now hiding all over the country waiting to attack her. As if. The woman's mental.

So what does Hinds do? She refers me back to Dr Chen. Now I don't mind this too much, except that I have to travel to Worthing once a week (longer journey means less time for film reviews), and the magazines at Chen's practice are mostly about homes, gardens and women's issues. At least Hinds had some old copies of 'What Car?' I could read, and a 'Twinkle' annual from 1982.

But I don't mind because I like to pretend Dr Chen is like 'Mr Miyagi' from the 'Karate Kid' and full of ancient wisdom and knowledge. I'm always polite and calm with Dr Chen (except that time somebody left a 'Peanuts' comic in reception and those orderlies had to restrain me), and nod respectfully at what he has to say:

Dr. Chen: "XXX, have you stopped taking your medication?"

Me: "Aah. Before a man can stop he must at first begin."

Dr. Chen: "So that's a 'no' then."

But mostly it's about him asking if I think I'm properly dressed to be out in public. However, yesterday I met with Chen for the first time in months and he asked if I'd mind if a few more specialists came along to assess my condition. Apparently I've got so many 'issues' that technically I should be insane. Erm... Would an 'insane' person have their own blog with 4 followers and be in the running to present Film 2010? I think not.

Neonsamurai: 1

Medical Science: 0

I'll take my phone with me this afternoon and keep you all updated on what these 'experts' think.