Wednesday, 17 March 2010

Yes Master Chen

Dr Hinds at the clinic has been getting more and more angry of late, so I've been trying to cheer her up by playing a few practical jokes. I'm pretty sure that anyone else would at least laugh at this sort of thing, but she's actually getting angrier.

Question: You're a doctor and you've got a depressed patient who just seems to cry all the bloody time. She turns up every week and just cries and cries, won't talk to one of the other patients who 'frightens' her and has delusional fears about ghosts. Clearly whatever you're doing isn't working, or there should at least have been some change by now, so you need to take action fast in order to cheer up Abigail and stop her getting sectioned. What would logically be the best course of action?

Answer: A man leaps out from the cupboard in your office shouting "BOO!" That's funny right? It's ironic. Abigail is afraid of ghosts so I pretend I'm a ghost and we all have a laugh, because ghosts aren't real. Surely cheering up a patient would make Hinds happy.

No. Apparently it doesn't.

And now Abigail has been sectioned, probably because Hinds sat around talking, rather than taking any action. But mostly because Abigail is convinced that men are now hiding all over the country waiting to attack her. As if. The woman's mental.

So what does Hinds do? She refers me back to Dr Chen. Now I don't mind this too much, except that I have to travel to Worthing once a week (longer journey means less time for film reviews), and the magazines at Chen's practice are mostly about homes, gardens and women's issues. At least Hinds had some old copies of 'What Car?' I could read, and a 'Twinkle' annual from 1982.

But I don't mind because I like to pretend Dr Chen is like 'Mr Miyagi' from the 'Karate Kid' and full of ancient wisdom and knowledge. I'm always polite and calm with Dr Chen (except that time somebody left a 'Peanuts' comic in reception and those orderlies had to restrain me), and nod respectfully at what he has to say:

Dr. Chen: "XXX, have you stopped taking your medication?"

Me: "Aah. Before a man can stop he must at first begin."

Dr. Chen: "So that's a 'no' then."

But mostly it's about him asking if I think I'm properly dressed to be out in public. However, yesterday I met with Chen for the first time in months and he asked if I'd mind if a few more specialists came along to assess my condition. Apparently I've got so many 'issues' that technically I should be insane. Erm... Would an 'insane' person have their own blog with 4 followers and be in the running to present Film 2010? I think not.

Neonsamurai: 1

Medical Science: 0

I'll take my phone with me this afternoon and keep you all updated on what these 'experts' think.

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